I honestly haven't gone through your earlier threads but I think I see what you're going through. You can check out my thread and you'll see that basically I have a WAW and there are a thousand things around which I could build resentments.
Here's the thing though.
If I imagine her beating the front door down right now on her knees, begging to come back home...
I'm gonna let her in. I'm gonna make her some tea. I'm gonna open my arms and invite her to a hug.
I'm gonna sit down with her. If she needs to bawl and hyperventilate I'll get a paper bag and kleenex and sit close by. If she needs to talk I'm gonna listen and keep my mouth shut.
If she wants to stay the night I'm gonna hold her. If she wants to ML I'm gonna tell her that I love her more than ever but I don't think it's good for me to ML tonight.
If she wants to move back in I'm gonna suggest that she can hang here as much as she likes, but maybe it's good for her to hold on to her lease for now or find an apartment that isn't right next to the establishment where she's been working and the boss she's been 'ML' with. Maybe her folks' place or maybe I'll secure an apartment. Or maybe I'll say come on home.
But this isn't about punishment. It's about having sanctuary. I want for both of us to be able to have a safe place to go while we work through the beginning stages of what might be the hardest work we could do. And I'm not going to lock her out of the master bedroom. If She wants in she's welcome. If she wants sanctuary she can stay out. If I want sanctuary I can stay out. It's the marriage bed. If I don't feel safe in it, I need to spend the night someplace safe. Same for her. It's not my room. It's the room for the people who want to be married to each other.
And then we're gonna sell our souls if need be to get DB counseling. And I'm gonna set some boundaries about needing her to seriously look (with help) at learning how to communicate her needs to me, or getting them met in other places that are healthy and not destructive to either of us or our M. And I'm gonna continue with GAL.
And I'm gonna have loads of work to do on tearing down those resentments that I'm somewhat busy building temples to right now, despite my best efforts. It won't be healthy for either of us if I seek her help in razing them. It's for me to do and if I need help, I need to get help from some safe source. Like BigAl or BB or my AA sponsor or my C or my therapy group or all of the above.
His behavior is so disrespectful of you. There's young minds present, observing patterns of behavior between a H and W. These patterns will GREATLY influence their behaviors later in life. The wife is playing emotional stepanfetchit and the husband is locking her in a laundry room and bouncing her head with his foot. These things do repeat themselves, one generation to the next. Anything less than the same respect I should give my mother or sister or neighbor or daughter is abuse. You are not less than these people. You are a person too. No abuse. Not once in a while. None without sanctions. Simple as that.
Excuses can be made for how you didn't ____ so I'm not going to _____ but that's for children. Adulthood doesn't come with that luxury.
You didn't hire 3 goombas to hold your husband on the ground while they poured beer into a funnel they had jammed down his throat. Therefore, Nothing you did MADE him drink. And nothing you do now can make him drink. That's just 6yr-olds on a playground cr*p. A man doesn't make excuses for his behavior.
He knows he has a drinking problem and something has clearly stunted his maturation. Drinking will do that. It did it to me. I think depression does that. I think it did it to me.
Bitterness is his way of avoiding facing his own s**t and avoiding growing up. As long as he can keep you down by twisting your words and behaviors, by keeping you guessing about what he's thinking and how you should have used a synonym .... by telling you you're not good enough to kiss... He doesn't have to grow up and become a man.
I bet he had a s*****y childhood. A real shame. There are people who can help him with growing up and out of that. They have titles. Counselor, Priest, Sponsor, Shrink, Doctor, Life coach, Therapist, Grandpa.
NOT WIFE !
And definitely not pilsener or barkeep.
Your life with this adolescent alcoholic can be much improved if you get help for yourself. One place would be Alanon, but there are others.
But he won't change unless he wants to. And the more distance you put between him and you, and the more you work on yourself, the more motivation he will find IF he loves you.
Thanks for the soap box. Now I have to let go of you and pray that you've heard some truth in my rant.
