Learning to Trust Myself IV

[Burgbud]

Ah, good! A chance to respond, especially since I left something out the first time.

I said "I've told you before that I'm not going to live forever in a M with no affection.." He sort of cut me off and was really irritated with that because, like I've posted previously, H has been more affectionate lately. He said "There *is* affection.....if you want no affection, I can show you no affection....things are improving but, as usual, you don't acknowledge it." He's right, I shouldn't have said there was no affection. I really meant "intimacy".

I meant to say something about this the first time. This struck such a chord with me. This is my M, right here. All about being right and not letting the other person get away with anything. All about getting hurt feelings and getting defensive. Nothing about actually seeing what's going on with the other person, nothing about concentrating effort on making the R work. This right here is maybe the biggest difference maker I see between my old M and my next R. When my next partner says to me, "I've told you before that I'm not going to live forever in a M with no affection..", I'm not going to cut her off and argue about affection. I'm going to sit there thinking that I've been showing her affection but maybe she hasn't been seeing it, and I'm going to ask, "What do you mean?". And then she'll say that really she means she doesn't want to live without intimacy and we'll go from there. Or whatever. To me, that's the difference between trying to be right and trying to work on things. The whole point of being right is so you don't have anything you need to work on, right? So the next time you question yourself about stuff like this, Heather, ask yourself if you're arguing with H because you don't want to change. Because I've seen you making a whole lot of changes so I don't think that's the issue. And I'm not at all talking about changing into someone who doesn't mind sleeping in the computer room. I'm talking about legitimate changes that would make you a better partner. There's always something you could do but you gotta be reasonable, or else you're a perfectionist. And that ain't good for you or anybody.


I see what you're saying. But for you, rehashing that stuff is fruitless for the most part. Understanding it will help you in your next R. Do you think if you were reconciling that it may become important again though?

Absolutely no more important than it is now. These are things I need to accept about myself so I can start to change, whether my next R is with Steff or anybody else. And if I was reconciling, my current attitude may be even more important than it is now.

Imagine this: Steff wants to try again but believes every negative thing she did to our R from the moment we married until this very minute were a reaction to something negative I did and therefore everything's really my fault. Well, she'll allow that her reactions are 40% her fault but still 60% my fault. And so she continues being the same bitter, negative person she is so often. Am I going to be better served by 18 months of trying to figure out how she may be right, how her treatment of me is really my fault, or will I be better served to live the way I know is right and accept that her issues aren't because of me?

It's easier to see in someone else's case. I know; I've been there. I don't blame you for not wanting to leave any stone unturned in your quest to keep your family together. And I'm not recommending that you leave. If you asked me for my recommendation that might be what I'd say, but you're the one who has to make that huge decision if that's what this comes to. All I'm trying to say is, whether you leave or whether you stay, stop blaming yourself for what he does. Give him the respect of allowing him to own his own problems. It's harder than it sounds. But it's best for you and it's best for your M.

On another note, if you haven't followed her sitch, Piglet2's last couple of threads on the Piecing board might be interesting to you.