Quote: It's absolutely heart wrenching pain that makes my guts hurt to even think about facing all the problems divorce would bring all by myself.
Divorce sucks. The only way I can see how divorce ever helps anything is in the case where it ends an abusive M.
The term "WAS" does not apply to someone who tries to make their M better, Heather. It's the one who turns their back on the M, walks away from the call to forgiveness, flouts the obligation to improve their own self as a person and as a spouse. How long have you been working at "saving" your M? How long has H been working at it?
He's drinking on "non-drinking" nights? Take it from someone who quit smoking dozens of times--his addiction is alive and strong.
Quote: But I guess I just keep thinking that if I keep trying to see things from H's perspective that I will eventually find something that will talk me out of leaving, out of causing all this heartache for myself and my kids. I don't WANT to do it. This is absolutely killing me. I have been so hopeful. Even when H told me he would never kiss me again, I didn't feel this hopeless.
When OM-1's W came here, a year ago tonight, AAMOF, and confronted STBXW on the front porch, before my then nine year old daughter's eyes, I was still "hopeful" that I could "save" my M. I'd gone years between kisses, too. This was not the first A that I had known about (and there were more I didn't yet know about), but there was something different now, and that meant I could hope the sitch would turn around.
Heather, unless he makes sustained, serious effort to change himself, he's not going to "turn around." You are making the effort to improve yourself and have been offering him the chance to work together on your M. You didn't run off to find someone so you could hurt H. You didn't run from one A partner to another, living a lie for years. You made a mistake, you copped to it, you changed your life, and he demanded more. You are not able to give him what he wants, because what he will always want is "more."
Quote: I just can't seem to get a grip tonight. Sorry.
You're human, and you had a bad day. Go easy on yourself. Can you get together with your brother and do something fun tomorrow? Take the kids to see some of the decorated houses or to visit Santa? You're not going to solve this sitch in a day, but you might find some fun in a day with people who care about you.
And why not write? Just for yourself. If it's good enough, you can say, "I still got it," and if it's bad enough, you can use it in the fireplace!
Thanks,
K
My sitch More importantly, Light A Million Candles
