Learning to Trust Myself IV

[heatherg]

Thanks for sticking it out with me, I've had sort of a miserable day and I appreciate your thoughts.

Holy smokes

I'm from MI and I say that all the time, that is so funny to see you put it in writing, lol.

OK, so acknowledge your mistake to H and say that what you really desire is more intimacy.

I will definitely tell him that tonight.

to see if my "180" makes sense or sounds too much like I'm sucking up

I think it makes complete sense and I think it's a great idea to do that. It doesn't sound like you're sucking up. I'm really bad about validating and leaving it at that. I always have to have a "yeah but" in there eventually. Your statement doesn't have a "yeah but" and it sounds great.

You sound a bit discouraged and maybe a bit overwhelmed.

I really am. I was really looking forward to remodeling our house and I'm really disappointed. Throw on top of that finding out that my H wants to use me to get his education, yeah, I'm really discouraged.

My tongue doth hurt from biting it. Thath why I'm lithping.

Lol.

He's very adept at turning things around on you. He does that.


I know...and I can't seem to just keep my mouth shut. I get so defensive. The merry go round starts here.

So, to now focus on what's happening currently, well, that would need to be what he's now "doing to you", don't you think? Or perhaps more accurately, how he's not doing his part to repair the relationship and how he's sabotaging every step of the way to keep himself in power and control.

I think this sort of ties in with Bud's suggestion that I figure out how his story serves him.

You know, I'm about to say something that may be really stupid. I've had a bad day and I'm going to say it anyway. Today, I can see why some people don't leave their marriages until they find someone else. It's absolutely heart wrenching pain that makes my guts hurt to even think about facing all the problems divorce would bring all by myself. OMG. Why am I thinking these things?!

How much do you want me to do that? How much do you want me to look at every crappy thing W does to me now and try to figure out how it might be my fault, and how my past actions have contributed to the decisions she's making today?

I see what you're saying. But for you, rehashing that stuff is fruitless for the most part. Understanding it will help you in your next R. Do you think if you were reconciling that it may become important again though?

Here again, I say when you are the LBS, the things I do don't seem to make sense. But I'm not the LBS (that could be argued though I suppose). I'd be the one leaving and turning things upside down. That is *really* hard to do. Bud, no matter how much you think things through and/or blame yourself, you can't change what Steff has done. But I guess I just keep thinking that if I keep trying to see things from H's perspective that I will eventually find something that will talk me out of leaving, out of causing all this heartache for myself and my kids. I don't WANT to do it. This is absolutely killing me. I have been so hopeful. Even when H told me he would never kiss me again, I didn't feel this hopeless. All of a sudden, I feel like the wind has been completely knocked out of my sails. It may have more to do with the house than with H. I'm super disappointed. My house is fine, we've done a lot of work to it. I just don't want to sleep in a computer room anymore. I just don't want to feel like a second class citizen anymore. I know what you are all thinking....the house is not the answer. The house is not the problem. My M is the problem and the house is not going to solve that problem. I KNOW that. But it would have bought me some more time.

I just can't seem to get a grip tonight. Sorry.