No, I don't. You're human and imperfect but you're making a tremendous effort in the right direction.
Do you think that my focus on what H is doing to me rather than on what I've done to him could be his basis for saying that I'm not sorry?
No, I don't. Ask yourself this, Heather: how does his story serve him? If you can answer that, you'll understand his basis for saying that you're not sorry.
Having said that, his basis really isn't that important; what's important is how his behavior is impacting you and your family, okay? If he'd rather hang on to his resentments than commit to fixing your M that's totally his business. Unfortunately, you can't touch that. You've thrown the door wide open to him to make a little effort and meet up with you again. He'll either walk thru or he won't.
Having said that, if it wasn't so destructive to me I'd make a deal with you right now. I'd go back thru my M and our time dating before that and I'd pull out every truly crappy thing I ever did to W. Then I'd stack up my mountain next to your hill and I'd hang on to mine until you agreed to let go of yours.
How much do you want me to do that? How much do you want me to look at every crappy thing W does to me now and try to figure out how it might be my fault, and how my past actions have contributed to the decisions she's making today?
That's how much I want you to keep doing the same thing to yourself.
Because (and I believe this is the case for Steff much more than it is for Matt) if I had been the H I should have been these many years, she wouldn't be doing this now. Despite that, I give her the decisions she's making today and I don't take even partial ownership for them. At least I try my hardest. I own how my past decisions have impacted the life I'm in now, and to a great extent how they've impacted the boys' lives. If I own the decisions Steff has made and is making, how does that help me? Does it make my life better? Does it make her life better? Or does it just lead me into making worse decisions in the present than I otherwise would?
Be well, Heather. Have a great weekend with your adorable kids!
Stop WaitingFeel EverythingLove AchinglyGive ImpeccablyLet Go
