Learning to Trust Myself IV

[heatherg]

I'm feeling a little introspective today, hence my several posts responding to myself, lol.


Last night during my phone conversation with H when he told me he didn't want anything from, didn't expect anything from me...I asked him "Really? So that means I should take off my wedding rings like you and start going out with my friends if I choose?" He said "It wouldn't surprise me." I sort of laughed and said "You know what? It shouldn't surprise you. A person can't live in this type of situation forever."

Do you think I sabotage my own efforts? Do you think that my focus on what H is doing to me rather than on what I've done to him could be his basis for saying that I'm not sorry?

I said "I've told you before that I'm not going to live forever in a M with no affection.." He sort of cut me off and was really irritated with that because, like I've posted previously, H has been more affectionate lately. He said "There *is* affection.....if you want no affection, I can show you no affection....things are improving but, as usual, you don't acknowledge it." He's right, I shouldn't have said there was no affection. I really meant "intimacy".

What a difficult battle. The misuse of one word makes me seem unappreciative and unobservant of the things that are actually going right.

Another thing I've noticed is that when he accuses me of not being sorry, it gets harder and harder to refute it because I'm sick of hearing that. Last night I actually said "Of course I'm sorry". Convincing huh? I didn't mean for it to sound so lame, but the fact is there isn't anything I can say that's going to change his mind. I guess this is where silence comes in huh? I need to just shut up. I've told myself that before and I just can't seem to do it it seems. Maybe I need to put the rubber band back on.....