Learning to Trust Myself IV

[heatherg]

My night got slightly more interesting as H and I discussed the remodeling project. He's decided that the higher house payment would limit his options too much as far as going back to school.

He wants to quit work, do part-time somewhere and go back to school. Which means I would have to pick up over $1,000.00 per month in bills. Hmm. I told him I didn't think the timing was right for him to do that. That it wasn't fair for him to expect me to be good enough to support him but not good enough to sleep in the same bed with. That led into a R discussion. The only things that were said that hadn't been said before were that he now does not want to remodel the house and he instead wants to quit his job and have me support him while he goes back to school. And he says I should do this regardless of the outcome of our M because he did it for me before we were married and there were no guarantees for him either. I told him that the circumstances were different back then and that we didn't have kids and the presumption was that we would always be together. Those two factors have changed significantly. Apparently, he feels that I owe him. I told him I already paid him back because he's benefited all these years from my higher education, as we've been able to afford things we never could have.

I told him that I've shown him I'm sorry by doing various things that I would need to see from him if the roles were reversed. He didn't dispute the things I said this time, but said that maybe he needs more, like for me to look back and see how poorly I treated him all those years and how much I hated him. That really pi@@ed me off. I am sorry for the way I handled myself at times, but I will never apologize for the way I felt. And if I bring up anything about the way he was he says "I changed". Geez, I forgot to ask him about the 180 he said I've done....isn't that change for me as well? He seemed to have forgotten that last night and so did I. I'll have to remember to ask him about that. But anyway, he wants all of these revelations from me and they're just not happening. My truths are my truths and just because he remembers or sees things differently doesn't change my perceptions. I told him I can let go of all of that if he would quit demanding things from me. At which point he tells me that he's not demanding anything from me, he doesn't want anything from me. He's only answering my questions and telling me why things aren't the way I want them to be. He can really tell me with a straight face that I made his drinking problem worse. Then if I accuse him of blaming me for the depth of his problem, he denies that he's said anything of the sort. I said we each dealt with things the way we knew how. We were young. I was not trained to help anyone with their addiction problems and I had no one to help me with my problems that resulted from loving an alcoholic. I really don't need to keep rehashing all that with him, unless of course he starts demanding apologies or for me to see things his way. That ain't gonna happen.

So, today I'm feeling pretty discouraged. No remodeled house. We've lived in this house for 11 years and we should have moved years ago. I have lived with things in this house that would drive other people crazy too, like vice grips on our faucet in the tub because the faucet can't be replaced (the pipes are made a different size these days) unless we remodel the whole bathroom. So, it has sat like that for at least 3 years now. Just various things like that that drive me crazy. I thought remodeling would alleviate some of my daily stress and would buy us more time plus set me up to be better able to afford the house than H. None of that is going to happen now. And if I did things his way, I would stay sleeping in the computer room on a daybed for who knows how much longer while I support him in his education efforts. And if we happened to reconcile during that time, it would still be another 4 years before I could get a new house. I don't mean to sound materialistic, but any woman can understand the stresses of living in a house with no storage, no place to put anything, toys everywhere. I literally have two closets in my house, no pantry. No counter space, limited cabinet space and UGLY black dishes that I've had since H and I got together because he liked them!!!!!!!

Sorry for the rant~