Worried that if you keep living in the situation you are in long enough you will start to think that it's normal, or that you deserve these silly punishments he puts on you because you made a mistake. You don't deserve this, no matter what you did.
Yeah. I know. I wouldn't say that I feel my life with H is normal enough for others to consider it normal, but then again, with the drinking our R would probably never have been considered normal by most people. I definitely do "normalize" things just enough so that I can get by. Your concern brings that to the surface as a very valid point here. I can't forget that it's not normal and I think the no sex boundary is going to help remind me of that. My R is not normal. And yeah, some days I feel like I deserve everything I've been dished. But most days I know that anyone with an oz of forgivenss in their hearts wouldn't think that. And there do seem to be differing opinions on this, as some people have admitted that their behavior could be very similar to H's under these circumstances. So, I don't know what to think. Some people seem to see that I've made my own bed and others see that I have paid the price and now need to get out. I don't know how to feel. I want to do what is right. People tell me that whatever I feel is right. But I also know how people tend to color their world in order to see what they want to see. I don't want to be like that so I heavily rely on other peoples' perceptions. And I'm really getting opinions on both sides of the spectrum on this. I'm just flat out confused as to what I should do or how I should feel.
Your H hasn't even started to truly forgive you...and until he does, your relationship can't improve.
Your're right. He hasn't. He's waiting for me to be sorry to him, which leads me into your next statement.....
And you can't convince him to forgive you no matter how long you put up with this - it has to come from his heart, not from you being on your best behavior.
He doesn't seem to get this. That forgiveness is a decision. He truly believes it has to be earned.
At one point early on in my sitch, my H said to me "we can stay together for the kids, if you are willing to live like that......By the way, I'm glad now I didn't consider it. I feel much better about myself, divorced and struggling in many ways, than I did living with his constant disapproval.
Who actually filed or instigated the separation? I could be dead wrong, but I'm putting my money on the idea that it wasn't you. If H was for D and was going ahead with getting it taken care of, I could live with it. I can deal with tough circumstances that are thrown my way. I have a much harder time creating those circumstances myself. Plus there is tons of support for people who've been "left behind", the assumption is that they are the good guys. The attidtude toward the one leaving is "well, you're bringing this upon yourself". Do you know what I mean?
As long as you are *absolutely* certain that you are coming at this with an attitude of strength and not fear...then I think you are living true to what you believe.
Well, I can't say there is no fear. There is a lot of fear. Fear for my kids and my relationship with them mostly. I fear that if I left, they would see me as someone who left *them*. Mommies aren't supposed to do that. This mommy certainly doesn't want her kids to think that. I fear that they would prefer to live with their Dad and that my relationship with them would suffer severely. I fear that they would not adjust well, that behavioral or emotional issues could develop. And I fear that every bad thing they did or felt would be attributed to the D...by me. I would be forever guilty. You see? I'm a basket case of worry. And when faced with all that.....the fact that my H is an a@@ seems so minute.
And if he starts that crap again, just leave. That's it. A police report for abuse will go a long way toward getting you full custody.
Yeah, now that things have calmed down considerably, I can't see myself allowing that to occur again. Of course, that may just mean that I'll avoid the situations that would/could bring it on. Like going out or sleeping in my bed. Those two things would aggravate our situation considerably I think. But I don't think I'll avoid going out forever. Sleeping in my bed, I don't know. No point in forcing myself somewhere I'm not wanted. I guess I could do it as a last resort to separation. So much to consider. But if he got physical with me again, I'd call the police, I'm pretty positive of that.
Thanks again.
"Happiness is a butterfly, which, when pursued, is always just beyond your grasp, but which, if you will sit down quietly, may alight upon you."
