Hi Heather...I haven't posted to you much, but I just wanted to jump in here.
Quote: I know what he's doing is crap. But I'm not at my breaking point. Far from it. Some days that scares me. Why am I not fed up with the BS? I worry that maybe there's something wrong with me, that I can stay here and put up with this. And to people such as yourself, who think I should leave, I must appear sick. Or weak. Or both. I hate that.
I'm not sure it's that you appear sick or weak, or even that I fear you are rationalizing. I know there have been many times when I read your sitch that I am just flat out worried for you...and not just worried that your H might hurt you the next time he gets physical. Worried that if you keep living in the situation you are in long enough you will start to think that it's normal, or that you deserve these silly punishments he puts on you because you made a mistake. You don't deserve this, no matter what you did.
Your H hasn't even started to truly forgive you...and until he does, your relationship can't improve. If he does, then I think things could work for you, but if not, he will just keep doing what he's doing. And you can't convince him to forgive you no matter how long you put up with this - it has to come from his heart, not from you being on your best behavior.
I understand your kids are young, and I can see your point on this. At one point early on in my sitch, my H said to me "we can stay together for the kids, if you are willing to live like that. I'll stay, we can live like roommates, and get them raised". I laughed at him, but at times I wonder if that would have bought me some time. So I do understand the temptation of thinking "Ok, maybe next week, next month, will be the time it starts to turn. I can't give up now". (By the way, I'm glad now I didn't consider it. I feel much better about myself, divorced and struggling in many ways, than I did living with his constant disapproval. But it was hard to get to this point, no doubt)
But you've put in your time Heather, and you are the only one who can decide how much more you can give. As long as you are *absolutely* certain that you are coming at this with an attitude of strength and not fear...then I think you are living true to what you believe. Just be very careful you are there for the right reasons.
And if he starts that crap again, just leave. That's it. A police report for abuse will go a long way toward getting you full custody.
