Learning to Trust Myself IV

[heatherg]

It's not about you being looked upon or coming across as "poor little Heather". That's not the issue, nor my point.

I know it's not the heart of your point. I'm just trying to say that I come here with all the bad stuff and I have posted several times when I was feeling particularly "victimized". But I don't want to give the wrong impression. I'm a big girl and I can take care of myself with or without H.

OMG. You are measuring just how much abuse it takes before you'll term it abusive and you really think it has to be the entire relationship

That didn't exactly come across how I meant it! But even if you don't understand why I think the way I do, at least I can amuse you

My mental well being is paramount. If I'm not happy and secure, certainly my children won't benefit having an emotionally hurt parent being disrespected by the other emotionally and sometimes physically abusive parent.

My mental well being is fine. You disagree? I mean, I know I have my days where PMA is dragging. Don't we all?

This isn't about about finding another love. That's not the issue... again. This is more about loving yourself.

It would be very empowering for me to tell H to get lost. But for me, loving myself is not the paramount issue. Not at this time in my life.

If he starts to affect my quality of life, really bring it down

But he already has.

He has affected the quality of my marriage. My marriage is not my life. There is much more to my life and I have to be thankful for the things that are good.

I know what he's doing is crap. But I'm not at my breaking point. Far from it. Some days that scares me. Why am I not fed up with the BS? I worry that maybe there's something wrong with me, that I can stay here and put up with this. And to people such as yourself, who think I should leave, I must appear sick. Or weak. Or both. I hate that. That's probably why I rationalize NY. Because I am making a conscious decision to stay and I have to make that decision right. For now. I don't want to be seen as a victim, or weak, or sick. And so I try to explain myself. But apparently, it only makes me seem blind.

You've been honest and direct with me and you've said you want the best for me. I appreciate that, those are the hallmarks of a friend.