Learning to Trust Myself IV

[heatherg]

You may not "feel" like you are, but it really comes across, I'm sorry to say. You constantly make excuses for him, blame yourself, minimize what he does and its contribution to the relationship - and the biggest clue that you're an abuse victim is, you continue to subject yourself to it.

Just keep in mind that this is the forum in which I'm weak. Where I admit I don't have a clue to fix what's happening and where I admit feeling helpless and hopeless. So that can come across as "poor little Heather" and I don't intend for it to. I am not "poor little Heather", I promise you.

OK, there's the fact that you're not permitted to sleep in your own bed in your own home. That's more than one crappy night, right? That's every night, right? And dare you try to sleep there every night, every night would be a a likewise crappy night. It's more than just one night's event. It's not making a leap... this IS your relationship.

This is his stipulation NY. I've broken our M vows. He doesn't want me in the marital bed. I hate that. I want to change, to fight it. But the fact is, I can't. This is how he feels he needs to deal with what *I* did. He didn't pick this punishment out at random~it is a direct result of something that I did.

he'll bed you sexually, no problem.

Yeah. This is a problem I've decided. I'm trying out a no-sex boundary. It's not ideal, but it's the only option really that I see. No bed? No kissing? No sex. The relationship will either die or it won't. We'll see.

There's the sexual use of you but the denying of intimacy - and respect and equality - vis a vis a tender kiss between husband and wife or permitting his wife to lay in comfort and peace and safety with her own head on her own pillow. That's more than one night. That's your relationship.

It's definitely been more than a night. But it's still been only 15% of our time together. Doesn't quite equal our entire relationship just yet. There is still time to heal, time to change.

The true measure of a person is how they act when things are bad.

I really do agree with you. I am choosing to stay in this R for now, but that doesn't mean I respect H all that much for the way he's acted.

there are circumstances, and LIMITS, when one SHOULD walk away from a relationship.

I know. I am heeding your words I promise. I can see where you are coming from and why you think the way you do. I'm still in try mode though. I don't know why. It's just what I need to do right now. It's easy to say you would leave. Would you be giving up half your time with your two year old and five year old and risking that you won't be there when they need you...even if it's only for a scraped knee? I CAN'T miss that. Not right now. They're just too young and I'm never going to get that time back. I can find another love any old time. Because that's actually what it comes down to. As long as H can't touch me on the inside, can't get to who I am, then I will stay near my babies and he can KMA. If he starts to affect my quality of life, really bring it down and I can't bring it back (like if things would have stayed really bad like they were before and I wasn't able to turn it around) then I will go. And then H can still KMA!