(NY) You're speaking like a true abuse victim does, Heather.

I realize it may seem that way... I realize that some of the things that H has done have been abusive. But overall, I don't feel like a victim.

Well, you are. See, he's the abuser, and you're the victim. You may not "feel" like you are, but it really comes across, I'm sorry to say. You constantly make excuses for him, blame yourself, minimize what he does and its contribution to the relationship - and the biggest clue that you're an abuse victim is, you continue to subject yourself to it.

In a non-abusive R, you just wouldn't see his foot there at all, let alone him trying to drag you out of the room. Plain and simple.

I can understand this, it makes sense. It was definitely an abusive act...I just don't feel like I can make the leap to characterize my whole relationship as abusive. There's just more to it than that crappy night.

OK, there's the fact that you're not permitted to sleep in your own bed in your own home. That's more than one crappy night, right? That's every night, right? And dare you try to sleep there every night, every night would be a a likewise crappy night. It's more than just one night's event. It's not making a leap... this IS your relationship.

What else? Despite him getting physical against you should you wish to sleep in your rightful bed, he'll bed you sexually, no problem. There's the sexual use of you but the denying of intimacy - and respect and equality - vis a vis a tender kiss between husband and wife or permitting his wife to lay in comfort and peace and safety with her own head on her own pillow. That's more than one night. That's your relationship.

There's more, right? What else needs to be echoed back to you to show that the temperature of your relationship is that of abuse? I have no idea... forgive me, but, Hitler was nicer to Eva. What does H have to do? Actually fracture your skull open or bust your jaw one night while struggling against you? Or will you claim it was unintended and only an accident if and when such a thing happens, refusing to see that the physical aspect shouldn't have been there regardless? How much disrepect do you need before you see how he's disrespectful of you? The next big blowout you're going to excuse him claiming that it was your fault because you didn't say the right thing?

(NY) If he wasn't generally abusive to you, you wouldn't be an abuse victim.

I'm not sure what you mean.

You can't have an abuse victim without an abuser to abuse them... and he's most assuredly abusing you... and abuse victims gets subjugated into acting and thinking just like you are! That's what I mean.

I do see a counselor....when things were at that really bad point with H (around the time he locked me in the laundry room, etc) she wanted me to contact a shelter. Which I couldn't go through with. But things have calmed down a great deal and part of me wonders how much that has to do with the fact that I have changed my behavior, my reactions to him? Also, I think he feels much better that I've stopped seeing a lawyer and cancelled the court date. I think he felt backed into a corner before and our interactions were really, really bad. It was a very bad time.

So in other words, when things are bad between you two, H's prone to handle the bad times by doing things like locking you in the laundry room. And you stay in that relationship anyway... wow...

You don't see that as the touchstone of his character, huh? Looking at things only when they're peaceful - you cancel a court date, so he doesn't feel threatened and acts peaceful - and thinking that's a more realistic assessment, huh? Looking at the calm between the storms, then, rather than seeing the destructive storm for what it is.

The true measure of a person is how they act when things are bad. And if you think that when things are peaceful between the two of you, that that's a sign that things are not bad, think again. That's only the calm waters on the surface you're seeing.

I wish you the best, hun. I really do. I know this is mostly a site for LBSs who have been abandoned/betrayed by their WASs and that the sentiment here is to try and salvage the relationship... but there are circumstances, and LIMITS, when one SHOULD walk away from a relationship.