Learning to Trust Myself IV

[heatherg]

(K) Oh, yeah, before I forget. Written anything poetic lately?

No, I haven't. I've had a few thoughts but haven't actually written anything down. I really haven't written creatively since high school. When you mentioned it in Annapolis, it was the first time I had even considered writing in a very long time. I'm not a particularly good writer and my expectations of myself make it difficult to just let go and write. You should see how long it takes me to compile a post sometimes

(Jabez) Heather, I think that the main reason that I've been able to come to the point I'm at now is because of my faith in God.

Faith seems to carry a lot of people through dark times. I'm not a complete cynic-I'm glad people find the comfort they need when they need it. I can't quite apply it to myself, but I don't doubt that it has power.

There is a book by R.T. Kendall called "Total Forgiveness".

I'll check into it. I'm always on the lookout for book recommendations. I picked up a title from BB's old thread and I'm waiting for those to come via mail.

(Jabez) I may have missed something here, but does H have designated drinking nights? Are they just when he is home? Is this part of some agreement b/w you two?


Yes, H has designated drinking nights. It was his idea, something he did as he started to cut back on the amount he was drinking. It used to bother me that I never knew if he was going to want to stay home and get drunk or whether I could plan on having a normal evening. So, he implemented a routine whereby everyone would know what was going on. He's extrememly rigid about protecting those nights. He can have 'extra' nights so to speak now and then, like if we are on vacation or being particularly social or something. But NEVER does he skip a night. He'd have to be puking or someone would have to be dead...something of that nature.

(Jabez) I do agree w/your assessment of his drinking being an addiction. Is it an escape? Has he ever gone to AA or counseling for this?

Probably an escape, yeah. An escape from what, who knows. He's been drinking since I met him. He came from a normal home with normal parents who are still married. No scandals, no deaths, no abuse. What the hell does a 20 year old who comes from such a background have to escape from??
No, he's never been to AA, never will. If I am personally opposed to religion, H is even moreso and since AA really centers around God, he'd never give it a chance. Plus to go to AA means you have a problem. He's never actually admitted that.

(NY) You're speaking like a true abuse victim does, Heather.

I realize it may seem that way. But consider sexual harassment for a minute. It's not harassment unless the other person feels harassed or someone else overhears and they get offended. I realize that some of the things that H has done have been abusive. But overall, I don't feel like a victim. I can't quite explain why a few times isn't enough for me to label it as abuse, but for me, a few times just isn't enough, especially when the incidents are spread out by 12 years of marriage where there are lots of other factors.

(NY) It's also not about how he wasn't this abusive to you pre-A (though he was abusive then too, wasn't he?).

H used to have a lot of issues, some which may have been provoked by arguments between us. But I haven't seen that side of him in years. Toward the latter years of our M, I would say he was more withdrawn than aggressive.

(NY) If he wasn't generally abusive to you, you wouldn't be an abuse victim.

I'm not sure what you mean.

In a non-abusive R, you just wouldn't see his foot there at all, let alone him trying to drag you out of the room. Plain and simple.

I can understand this, it makes sense. It was definitely an abusive act...I just don't feel like I can make the leap to characterize my whole relationship as abusive. There's just more to it than that crappy night.

Oh, please, please, please get yourself to a counselor who can help you! These forums aren't enough for what you need.

I do see a counselor....when things were at that really bad point with H (around the time he locked me in the laundry room, etc) she wanted me to contact a shelter. Which I couldn't go through with. But things have calmed down a great deal and part of me wonders how much that has to do with the fact that I have changed my behavior, my reactions to him? Also, I think he feels much better that I've stopped seeing a lawyer and cancelled the court date. I think he felt backed into a corner before and our interactions were really, really bad. It was a very bad time.