It's not hard to explain. There's even a word specifically for it. "Abuse." It might be hard to accept, but that's the truth. The "no kissing" shtick is abuse, too.
Yes, the situation was definitely abusive. I can't and don't see any reason to deny that. Overall though, I have a hard time saying my relationship is abusive or that H is abusive in general. Some people would probably say it is, although my tolerance seems a bit higher because I know he would not have acted in these ways before I did what I did. I feel responsible, so it's hard.
You're speaking like a true abuse victim does, Heather.
Some people would say your R is abusive - because it is. When does it become abusive enough for you? When the abuse is 24/7? How much salt do you need in your coffee before you consider that cup as bad? Your relationship is tainted with abuse, period. It's not about qualifying his abuse with your guilt, nor discounting his abuse with his episodes of being nice.
And you are not responsible for it, he is, as he's the abusive one, these behaviors generate from him, they are his choices and you know that.
It's also not about how he wasn't this abusive to you pre-A (though he was abusive then too, wasn't he?). He is NOW. More than ever. THAT's what counts.
If he wasn't generally abusive to you, you wouldn't be an abuse victim.
If you don't see it, take a good close look at his foot bopping your head next time you attempt to sleep in your own bed in your own home. In a non-abusive R, you just wouldn't see his foot there at all, let alone him trying to drag you out of the room. Plain and simple.
Oh, please, please, please get yourself to a counselor who can help you! These forums aren't enough for what you need.
