Learning to Trust Myself IV

[heatherg]

Hi all, I need to post a little update, I've just been really busy at work. I find it easiest to post during the day because by the time night rolls around, my thoughts aren't as clear....tired...


It's not hard to explain. There's even a word specifically for it. "Abuse." It might be hard to accept, but that's the truth. The "no kissing" shtick is abuse, too.

Yes, the situation was definitely abusive. I can't and don't see any reason to deny that. Overall though, I have a hard time saying my relationship is abusive or that H is abusive in general. Some people would probably say it is, although my tolerance seems a bit higher because I know he would not have acted in these ways before I did what I did. I feel responsible, so it's hard.

H must forgive you, and you must forgive yourself, if your M will ever be a real, loving M. You can't make him forgive, but will you forgive yourself, whether he wants you to or not?

I'm beginning to accept that my M might not ever be anything that would make another person envious. I have high expectations for myself and my life so this is really a struggle for me to accept, but I'm getting there.
Not being a religious person or even very deeply spiritual, forgiveness is sort of a foreign concept. I may have forgiven myself, I can't really tell. I'm not sure what that means. Even if I had, I would still have bad days right? I think that's probably the case here. For the most part, I don't beat myself up about it. But I have my days.

I did have a good holiday and I sincerely hope all my DB friends did as well. It felt long and lazy, which is just what I needed!
I think I've talked H into remodeling our home vs buying the land. That is good news all the way around, whether we stay together or ultimately split. I don't think H would be able to afford the new house payment on his own, which means I would have a better chance of getting the house if we split. That is important to me because it is the kids' home, the only home they've ever known. So, I've started investigating builders and construction loans.

We had a pleasant visit while H was home. He was affectionate, although nothing overboard. No sexual advances by him, no encouragement by me. So that part seems to be going well and I'm glad because, at least for now, it's a boundary that I need.
H is talking about going back to school, which means I would be the primary source of income in the house. I don't know how I feel about that....supporting him while he goes back to school. I don't really think he has the right to ask that of me right now, but if we're still together-which we obviously are-shouldn't we proceed as though we intend to stay together? I'm not sure how I'll ever get rid of this ambivalence if we can't move forward. On the other hand, I'm not the one holding things back I suppose.

One other interesting note~I've noticed that H drinks O'Douls almost every night. Sat night he didn't have any and he actually drank a few beers on a night that is not a drinking night. That would be normal if we had been out in a social setting and H wanted a couple, but I can't recall a night in a long time where he just had a couple beers around the house on a non-drinking night. We got into an argument about that because it took me off guard. We had been watching a movie and I fell asleep on the couch. Woke up to see him finishing off a beer in the kitchen. I was pretty taken aback since he had just drank the night before. So, we got into an argument beginning with me incredulously asking "Are you drinking?!" The discussion moved into O'Douls because his excuse was that he didn't have any O'Douls so he thought he'd just have a couple regular beers. I asked him if, on the night before, he had more than six regular beers and he said yes. That's a first since I filed for D that I know of. So, I'm not very happy about that. He doesn't see anything wrong with drinking O'Douls as often or as much as he wants. It seems ridiculous to me and it is obviously still feeding his addiction. UGH.