Learning to Trust Myself IV

[heatherg]

Hi Sophie, thanks so much for taking the time to give me your perspective!!

I have debated over many weeks whether to write what I am about to say. I hesitated mainly because I did not want to give the wrong idea or to, in any way, hurt you.

Just the fact that you would care that much and that you've taken the time to keep up with my situation tells me that your intentions are good and I'm glad to have you on my thread!

He is still struggling with the fact that he was betrayed. I am not sure he, even if wants to, knows how to get beyond that.

You're right. I have had a recurring feeling throughout all of this that many people (maybe even some of the LBSs on this board) would react the same way my H has if their partner had been immediately remorseful. It's just that often, the LBS doesn't have the opportunity to act the way H is because there is often feelings for the OP and the LBS doesn't want to drive their partner into their arms. My H knows he doesn't have to worry about that. So, on some levels, I know some of my H's behavior isn't unheard of. The first chapter of "After the Affair" really helped me understand how he is feeling.

I was wondering - does your H truly, truly know it is over and that you have no feelings for the om?

I'm pretty sure he does truly, truly know that. There was nothing between me and OM, he told me things I needed to hear and there was some kissing. There was no genuine affection or even like on my behalf toward him. I saw him about five times and I still can't figure out why it went on even that long. I think because I was just numb. But I don't think H disbelieves that OM is out of my life. He may be worried on the other hand, that I will jump into bed with the next man who talks nice to me, which might be why he is nervous to let me go out in social situations without him.

I know that because of all the lying and the betrayal that the A inherently entails, trust is a major issue for me. Maybe your H feels the same way?

Very much so.

How have you tried to regain your Hs trust?

Aside from the dinner I had with Burgbud and Koshka in an Irish pub, I have not set foot in a bar without H since I told him what happened. I have not really gone out in any kind of social setting at all. He has the password to my email account. I've offered him my cell phone records. I moved the computer out into the living room. If I am going to be late coming home from work, I call him and let him know.

his view of all that has happened in your M may be just as valid to him as yours is to you.

I really don't want to invalidate his feelings. I really don't. I only want him to at least say that he can see us getting back to normal at some point or else let me go. I understand that it is entirely possible he may never get over the betrayal. That would be something I would have to live with and take responsibility for.

I do want to save my M. However, H and I seem to have different views of what that means. Apparently, to him it's having a pleasant relationship where doing things as a family is enjoyable. He doesn't seem to have any real need for a M right now outside of sex. And he can't seem to tell me if he ever will. I can't define a M as anything other than people who share kisses and a bed. Maybe I'm focusing too much on that, but I just can't imagine going the rest of my life without even being able to kiss my H. And the fact that he would be willing to carry those things out forever....well, to me, that's not love. And I guess that is truly the bottom line. It's not necessarily that I *can't* go without kisses.....I suppose if I had to, I could. It's more that I *can't* spend the rest of my life with someone who doesn't love me anymore. Does that make sense?