I would like to say how much I admire you for coming on these boards and working on saving your marriage. From reading your thread, I began to understand that ultimately it really isn't about the affair or the ow/om; it really is about the relationship that a husband and wife share.
I have debated over many weeks whether to write what I am about to say. I hesitated mainly because I did not want to give the wrong idea or to, in any way, hurt you. However I decided to write hoping that you would take my comments as they are intended - simply a way of presenting a different tangent. My comments may or may not be valid but I thought by stating them - I am at least giving you an opportunity to verify your own thinking (by knowing that my remarks are completely off base).
ok enough waffling.
I have been reading your threads quite regularly. I empathise with your frustrations.
I was just thinking however - is there another way to look at the situation. As you wrote, I began to wonder if my H would be thinking along the same terms and feeling the way you do. This got me wondering how your H may be feeling.
Please do not misunderstand me - I completely agree that a lot of your husband's actions are completely unacceptable and undermine any respect for you.
I was thinking; however, that your H does not have the benefit of these boards or the way of thinking we all have come to appreciate. He is still struggling with the fact that he was betrayed. I am not sure he, even if wants to, knows how to get beyond that.
I could, honestly, see myself using my H for s@x and not wanting the kissing (This is before the benefit of this board). I could see wanting my H to move out of the bedroom and into the spare room.
I think also, somewhere in your thread the issue of how long it has been since the A and how your H should be moving on from it. When I read this (apologies if this is not from your thread), I put myself again in your H's shoes and I was wondering - does your H truly, truly know it is over and that you have no feelings for the om? For me this is one of the major things. You have mentioned that your marriage before the A was perhaps not quite how you would have desired it to be. My marriage was sinking before the A and now I know that for me a major issue has been Hs feelings for ow. I dont want to come between them (yet I hate that H had the A). I know that because of all the lying and the betrayal that the A inherently entails, trust is a major issue for me. Maybe your H feels the same way? How have you tried to regain your Hs trust? I remember that this was an issue for you in some of your posts - where H dictated where you could go etc. I know that without the benefit of these boards I probably would have reacted in the same way.
I guess the reason I am writing is because, having been on the other side of the betrayal, I truly empathise with your H and I also feel that maybe his view of all that has happened in your M may be just as valid to him as yours is to you.
