Learning to Trust Myself IV

[heatherg]

The other night when I talked to H on the phone, I ended the conversation in tears and just said that I needed to go.
Since then, I've tried not to dwell on my M so much, as though it's the only important thing in my life. But I haven't had much luck.
Right now, I can only think of two things to do. Sometime this weekend, I will broach this subject again. I will tell H that I am not asking for any guarantees. I only want to know that his hope for the future is the same as mine and that we intend for time and some effort on our behalves to take us there. And that my goal is for us to resume a sense of normalcy in our M as far as what we would expect in a new M to someone else. Wearing our rings. Sleeping in the same bed. Kissing. Can he bring himself to say that he hopes for these things too and would expect that we will get there in time if things continue on the path we are on? Off the record, that is all I need to have hope.
If he absolutely cannot tell me anything of that sort, then my only leverage that I have left is to continue working on my interactions with H....I think it hit me this morning that acts of service is his love language and words of affirmation are mine. But anyway, now that I have a clue as to what his language is, make a concerted effort to start speaking it. Meanwhile, no sex. I could be celibate for a really, really long time. But you know what? I think I can handle that better than H can. So it may give me a little leverage. I won't tell him no sex, in fact I'll step up the affection in other areas. But if he tries to take it into sex, I will say I'm uncomfortable with it every time. Ultimately, I am not comfortable with sex and not sleeping in the same bed or not kissing. I was complying because of physical desires and the hope that it would bring us closer. And it did bring us closer. So close in fact that H can be happy with things as they are for the rest of his life. He said so. So now, it's time to put a little distance in our R, make it so that he wants something in our R that is not there. Then we will be on equal negotiating ground. You want sex? Then I will sleep in my own bed and you will kiss me. I will be very careful to never, ever say that to him directly. But enough will have been said in the past that he'll know.
It's not ideal. But neither is walking out the door and seeing my kids only every other week. And the more I think about it, the more I realize that this will really affect him. I remember mentioning once in a conversation with H about my interactions with OM, that I had not slept with him. I remember H telling me "Thank *god*". I can't remember exactly what was said, but the context in which we were discussing it was H's refusal to kiss me. And his response led me to believe that he was very grateful that we could still have sex [in his eyes]. He has also dropped a couple of snide remarks about my mentioning that I was slightly bothered by the sex thing without sleeping in the same bed. He sort of jokingly said to me something like "Yeah, but since you decided we can't have sex anymore...". I hadn't decided any such thing and he knew it. He was just trying to steer me in a different direction. Those are two big hints for me that this will bother him. What man can go a year without sex? What woman could? Answer: A woman who wants to save her marriage!
So my friends, I'm on a mission.