Learning to Trust Myself IV

[heatherg]

Thanks Bud. You're a great friend. I intend to have a great Sunday. I'm getting a massage at 12:30 and I absolutely cannot wait. My back feels like it's been neglected, for, well about as long as it's been neglected

Yep, he said forever. I let a few minutes pass. I asked him if he really meant it and he said yes. He said every time he kissed me it would make him miserable, reminding him of OM. His question to me? Am I supposed to make myself miserable to make you happy? The answer to that of course is no. The thing is, he will be miserable anyway if I leave (if only because he has to spend half the time away from his kids). And so will I. But at least then it will be even right? UGH!
And he wants you guys to split. But he lacks the courage to do it.

If this is true, it's not apparent even to him. As a result of his unwavering ability to carry out his convictions of the things he will no longer do, I am starting to realize that this truly is my H. This is a man who views the world in a very unusual way. But I'm really starting to think he's being honest. He could totally be calling my bluff, and he'd be doing an incredible job, but I'm starting to back off the idea that he's got ulterior motives in doing the things he does. Since things have been calmer between us, he has not wavered too much. He has said he can see us sleeping in the same bed, but nothing has actually changed as far as where we sleep. The dynamics have changed dramatically between us. I feel that is probably due to him being gone so much, but my point is that even when things are calm and we are having a semi-normal conversation he can calmly state his reasons and his thoughts as though they are completely reasonable. So, I think these are his true feelings and he really thinks we can live together taking our relationship "day to day" as he says (he won't give me any goals or any specific things that he'd like to change or how he'd like to be, he just says "I'm taking it day by day"). He doesn't sound bitter or vengeful. He wants to parent our children and make our M as pleasant as possible although it's not a top priority. He says he is not miserable, that he can be happy like this. But there are some things he'll just never do no matter how pleasant our M is. Kiss me or ride in my truck. You know, I've heard that one person always wants the relationship more and is willing to prioritize it. That's me, right? Ok, so in that respect, maybe H's responses aren't all that unusual. In fact, they could be considered very encouraging if not for the 'no kissing' thing. Maybe I shouldn't be focusing on that? Maybe I should be focusing on what's good?
When I bring up how important it is to show our children the correct concepts of family and marriages and how daddys treat mommys and vice versa he just says that is not worth divorcing over. He said I can think of a lot more important things to teach our children.

So Bud, I just can't believe that he really wants to split. He doesn't. This is truly my H's way of viewing the world. He mocks me because I get upset that I "can't have everything I want". "The way I hear it, we're getting divorced because I won't kiss you". To him, it's methodical.
I think, on this board I focus on the bad stuff because that's what I need help with. But last night, he was encouraging for all that is going good in our R and said that he feels we are in a better place now than we were three years ago. I'm starting to get a better feel for what he's talking about when he refers to being sorry to him. I can't express loving thoughts or feelings toward H because there aren't any. I can't take his face in my hands and tell him how sorry I am and how stupid I was to risk all the great things we had. Because I don't think we had anything all that great. So when I talk, I talk almost as though this has happened to someone else. I talk about breaking the trust in the marriage and betraying him and that I'm sorry for that. I think he needs me to lovingly tell him things like "You didn't deserve this" and be affectionate or something. But I can't, because I don't FEEL it. Especially not now. Those feelings have to come back in time and I can't fake it til I make it like I originally thought I could. It's funny because before I even found DB (and Anna!), probably in the first week after my affair, I can remember telling my SIL that I just didn't have those feelings for H, but that I was going to try to fake it til I make it. Weird, huh? Now, here I am. Guess I didn't do a very good job of faking it. I know that I have love for him in my heart and it could be nurtured back to a very strong love. But it doesn't just happen. And those feelings can never be nurtured back with someone who will never kiss me again. I think I'm going to contact a DB counselor for their thoughts and guidance on this.

Thanks for being here for me with encouraging words. For the most part, my tears are for my kids not for him.