Learning to Trust Myself IV

[Burgbud]

Hey Heather! I had a thought or two about your post while out bagging leaves (so many leaves, so many leaves, so many leaves...huh? oh, I'm okay...so many leaves...).

You know, he says I'm a 'bitter and spiteful woman'.

Heh. I've only met you once but I've described you since then as 'lively'. Neither 'bitter' nor 'spiteful' ever crossed my mind. And I'm quite sure you're aware that you're not bitter or spiteful. Didja ever notice how people tend to assume others react and feel the same way about things as they do themselves? Happy, trusting people tend to believe the folks they meet are happy and trusting also. Bitter, spiteful people tend to see those qualities in the people around them. It's what they're used to, and what makes sense to them.

On the one hand, how can we possibly be thinking of making this huge investment together when we cannot even kiss or sleep in the same bed? On the other hand, maybe it's what we need.

Heather, this is scary as hell. It makes me think of couples who think having a baby might fix their M. The R needs to be fixed *before* actions are taken to lock you both into it. H really wants this? I truly don't think he's sitting back and scheming evil plans, but of course he wants this. It's exactly what he wants. He doesn't want to leave so he doesn't mind being locked in. He's worried about you leaving, and this makes it tougher for you to do that without requiring any changes on his part. It's win-win, but unfortunately that's him winning twice.

This seems to me more like an opportunity for him to start prioritizing your R. Why would you move into a house with another bedroom you won't "be allowed" to sleep in? Why would you live in a house where you'll never be kissed? Why would you park a truck he'll never sit in in your new garage? You WOULDN'T. You would bring a renewed, beautiful R to a new house, though. Is he willing to work toward that?

He is so convinced that he is a good person because he genuinely loves his kids. That somehow excuses everything else he does and thinks. And I am not as good of a person because I would be willing to leave this marriage.

This is once again an instance of him seeing the world through his own lenses, isn't it? Conveniently for him, he makes loving the kids the only important test of character. Tell you what, how about if we make working toward a healthy R with your children's mom the only important test of character? Who's the bad guy then?

Don't accept his definitions, Heather. Listen to yourself, your counselor, your brother, us, whoever. He defines his world like he does so he can be like he is and feel okay about it. You're in his world so he tries to define you. Doesn't mean he's any more right about you than I am, or anybody else who's met you. Do not accept the categories he puts you in, because he does that to serve himself, not you.

BTW, I'm not ready to accept that he genuinely loves his kids. If you did decide to leave, would he put the interests of the kids above all else? Or would he try to turn them against you, to paint you as the bad guy to them? When he was the only one who was "allowed" to take them to day care, was that because he genuinely loved them? I think he genuinely loves himself, and being good to his kids is how he manages to feel like a good person. But I haven't seen much evidence of him putting their interests above his own.

Heather, you have reasons to stay in your M and you may have the ability to make it work despite the direction it's currently heading. But if you do make it work, it'll be because you learned to look at your stitch with steely-eyed realism, no longer accepting his self-serving views of you and your M. Then you can calmly stand to-to-toe with him and discuss how things need to be. And if he can't calmly stand toe-to-toe with you, you'll know that's his fault no matter how he tries to paint it.

You're great, Heather; don't settle for being less than you are.