Learning to Trust Myself IV

[heatherg]

Something else that discouraged me during the conversation with H where he mentioned Spanglish....
H's truck has a flat tire. He is coming home for Thanksgiving on Tuesday. He said he would be in "late Tuesday". I asked "So late that you'll have to take a cab?" And he said something like "Well, my truck has a flat tire, so I'll probably have to take a cab anyway. I'm just hoping that my flight comes in late so that it's not an issue." I said "Well take a cab if you feel you need to, but it's an issue regardless of what time your flight comes in." He said "Oh, it's definitely an issue. But usually it's an avoidable one. It wouldn't even be coming up if my truck didn't have a flat tire."
He really means it. He's never going to ride in my vehicle again is he? I went to a Nissan dealership to look at a Pathfinder, but I've had a habit of buying a new car every two years and the negative equity has caught up with me. I really need to stay in this lease until it's up. Three years. S5 will be 8 before I can get a new vehicle. Unless of course I want to increase my car payment by $100-$150 for a lesser car than I currently have (a great 4X4 Trailblazer).

I'm just so discouraged. I was doing pretty good for a while, pretty convinced that I was going to be able to do this for a while longer yet. But I'm not doing a very good job all of a sudden.

One of the things H tells me is that I set the tone for our R. That if I'm pleasant, then we're pleasant as a couple. If I'm not pleasant, then neither is our R. To a certain extent, this is true. On the days that I can ignore the thoughts about not having my needs met or ignore the facts in our R that bother me so much, (pre-A, I had to ignore that he drank too much) then I am pretty pleasant and he is receptive. But on the days when I feel like I need more, but know I can't have it, I'm not so pleasant. And he is not so receptive. And so it goes.

I'm beginning to feel that I will never know what the right decision is. I'm scared to death of spending the rest of my life in limbo, waiting for change that never comes. Maybe I'm married to my ambivalence. Maybe somehow this is working for me, this indecision.

It's only been a year and a half. That's really not that long is it? I'm worried about spending the rest of my life like this, but isn't that a little dramatic?