The Five Love Languages is by Gary Chapman. He identifies five basic ways that people need to be loved and everyone has one or two love languages that make them feel most loved. Dr. Harley has a book about Most Important Needs that is along the same lines, but he identifies more than five. So, if we can figure out which love language speaks to our spouse, we can show them love in their language instead of expressing it in our own and to use a common term "not get credit for it". My H says that alot. An example - when he wants to show me love he starts helping around the house (Chapman would call this Acts of Service and Harley would call this Domestic Support). But, helping around the house isnt really a major need of mine. It's great that he does it, but it doesn't make me feel more loved by him doing it. However, if he'd grab me by the hand and drag me off for 15 minutes of spontaneous cuddling, I'd feel very loved because one of my love language is physical touch/affection.
Have you ever visited the marriage builders website? It's Dr. Harley's website. There's a lot of literature there about emotional needs and how to meet them. He uses a concept called the love bank. The more we meet our partners needs, the more deposits we put in the bank, and the more they feel in love with us. He also talks of lovebusters which withdraw from the love bank.
I think both books go along with Michele's. She lays out a program of change, and Dr. Harley is especially good at pointing out what we might be doing or not doing to help/hurt our M.
