have not been here in a long time, like 2 years. But this board once was really helpful to me in DBing successfully, so I think I will come here early this time before it gets worse.
Now today at breakfast, I got really upset about W. She had been kind of cold this morning, in fact I had noticed lapses of coldness over the past few weeks without taking it too serious or thinking about what to do about it.
What happened was the following: I started talking about a significant finding in my work. This probably was a mistake already, because the subject of my work frequently raises conflict between us. The issue seems to be that my current project is high risk, with a good likelihood that it is just a waste of time and significant money. Its not like I will go bankrupt if I fail but it's quite a sum. She dislikes that. But its my money she has hers from her own job with quite decent income. And if my project all works out, it will be very rewarding, monetary and scientifically.
So this morning she calls me "so vain" for my scientific goals. Now I may be, but at the same time I feel there must be more achieved in life than making (and saving) a few bucks. So I am very offended by her calling vanity my foremost motive.
Next she continues on "and we two are so different from each other anyway ..." like her not being a vain person but me an inferior creature. And I feel this is so unjust because I do not think I am vain in first place, not more than anybody else anyway.
At the same time I start thinking: well, I have heard these tunes before. Are we back on a track to renewed marriage difficulties?
Now what could I do?
180ing is a possibility, i.e. not talking to her about my work anymore. But somehow this feels strange, like, I can't even talk to my partner about what I spend my days on?
Plus could thís tension may really be a just symptom of some other marriage issue I am not really aware of.
Last it could be just female money greediness on her side - even though it not being hers she is working in a top job with decent pay herself - she feels like I should spend it on her rather than my project. Having said this, I have just very beautifully restored our house which took almost a year and was huge hassle besides my work and all, also mostly done to her benefit as it would not be so important to me.
Anyway I am right now quite upset, including thinking I should make a scene or just go away and to hell with her.
Sounds like someone hit the trigger over bfast there! There are so many possibilities for why your W made that comment. Does she perceive you as arrogant and find that quality unattractive? Were you expressing excitement or talking yourself up? Think back to the convo. You were having bfast and talking with your W. Was the convo focused on you? Women LOVE to talk about themselves and have the convo focus on them. We tend to get bored and disgusted when a man goes on and on about his achievements. Not that you were doing that at all, but just reflect a little objectively. How much of the discussion was about her? Do you praise her work efforts and take an interest in what she does? Ask her questions, ask her opinion?
When she says "we're so different from each other" what do you think she means? Seriously, what personal quality is she valuing and finding superior in herself that she didnt see in you this morning?
What are you wive's love languages? Have they been satisfied completely lately? What could she have been thinking while sitting there? "Gee, I wish he'd quit talking to work and ask me to go snuggle" "I mentioned XYZ to him yesterday and he's already forgotten but here he goes all excited about his work again." "He loves his work more than he loves me" "How can he be so excited about something that's costing us so much money. We just spent all this money on the house and we really can't afford this"
You know you and your W and your history. Maybe she's upset because the house is finished and there's not a lot going on for her that involves your time, money and energy? Me and my H are best together when we're working on something together. It gives me something to look forward to and I have his attention. It always seems after we finish a large task, there's withdrawal. I notice that we're not spending as much time together. We don't talk as much. Then I start to feel like I'm not that important because we're not doing activities together for us... we're just doing day to day life and I miss his attention.
No advice, just some thoughts to consider. If you've been through this before and made it then you know the drill well! Don't let it upset you too much. Try to focus on being positive and meeting your W's needs. I wonder - when you're faced with her objection to you talking about work, could you say "I know, I go on and on about work or XYZ, but I love sharing things with you. What do you think about it? You're insight is important to me" Just something to diffuse and not be defensive.. try to acknowledge her feelings and encourage her to share what she's thinking instead of reacting to an insult. Did you ask her gently what she means by "we two are so different from each other anyway?"
Hope you've taken a step back and are re-grouping. Have you backslid on your DBing at all lately? Maybe it's time to bring out some things that helped you two years ago?
Or if this was just an out of the blue problem, maybe she was having a bad morning and grouchy and things will be fine if you leave it alone?
Quote: Me and my H are best together when we're working on something together.
Hello Sheila,
some good food for thought there, thanks, it´s good to read female input to this. I am trying to pick out which things which may apply to my sitch. (And which reminded me that I should really also do my own brainstorming along those lines.)
Unfortunately I definitely do not believe that it was just momentary grumpiness, I saw a few old well known WAW-symptoms lurking ...
Your one idea which struck me is your common project comment. It is certainly true, that my new project is just my project and never interested her. HOwever it almost wholly consumes me right now, so I guess that could also explain her sensing us "being different". I may have to re-identify something which we both want to go for...
You lost me on the bit of love languages. Is that something out of Michelles book ... it has been a while that I read it. What did you mean by love languages?
The Five Love Languages is by Gary Chapman. He identifies five basic ways that people need to be loved and everyone has one or two love languages that make them feel most loved. Dr. Harley has a book about Most Important Needs that is along the same lines, but he identifies more than five. So, if we can figure out which love language speaks to our spouse, we can show them love in their language instead of expressing it in our own and to use a common term "not get credit for it". My H says that alot. An example - when he wants to show me love he starts helping around the house (Chapman would call this Acts of Service and Harley would call this Domestic Support). But, helping around the house isnt really a major need of mine. It's great that he does it, but it doesn't make me feel more loved by him doing it. However, if he'd grab me by the hand and drag me off for 15 minutes of spontaneous cuddling, I'd feel very loved because one of my love language is physical touch/affection.
Have you ever visited the marriage builders website? It's Dr. Harley's website. There's a lot of literature there about emotional needs and how to meet them. He uses a concept called the love bank. The more we meet our partners needs, the more deposits we put in the bank, and the more they feel in love with us. He also talks of lovebusters which withdraw from the love bank.
I think both books go along with Michele's. She lays out a program of change, and Dr. Harley is especially good at pointing out what we might be doing or not doing to help/hurt our M.
thanks, that love languages thing sounds quite plausible. I will give the first book a try then and see what I can learn from it.
I tried to find out today if W wants a new common project now that the house is done. I told her I understood that my project was just for me but that if there was something which she needed we could try to do it together.
Now, her answer was that she just wants to live in the present, not in the future (meaning like me...?), and that she actually does not have any wishes. I find this odd, first because I always need something to do, second then why was she so grumpy WAW-style yesterday?
I think, she may actually be saying a true thing because she's not really ambitious and usually can be quite content once she's comfortable with her situation.
I start to believe it may be just her wanting not to be bothered with ANY projects, none for herself (apart from her job which she likes) and even less projects of mine.
So there goes the project theory. Good idea but wrong.
Anyway after dicussing this in the morning, we had quite a good day, no tension or anything. Hmmm.
Which leaves me kind of clueless. What else could be the issue which makes her generally grumpy?
Have not been here in a week, but thought I should let you know that all the relapsing WAW-Symptoms I hought I saw have disappeared. W ist back to being caring nice and good humoured.
Seems like the DBing was all done already last Sunday just by letting her know that I understood that my project is not a good subject for her.
Still need to find a balance on what to tell her - but obviously its going to be far less.
