Not sure how many have read my story but in short....My wife wanted a divorce 4 months ago wasnt "in love with me" was ?ing our marriage ever being good, you know the story. Since then ive used this site and another plus books (Divorce Remody being one) to save our marriage. The last month in particular has been great, lots of sex, I love yous and overeall everything seems to be pretty good. Shes even called me a couple of times just to say I love you and this last weekend we went and got her a new SUV (witch shes needed for a while) and went to her dad/stepmoms house for the weekend. I havent allways gotten along real well with the stepmom and its seems when we go theres allways some tention but in councelling this week she said I was awsome and there was NO tention, everything went great. She also said she was real worried it wouldnt. Heres the problem im having: For the first time in a month or so we went to councelling together on Tuesday night, we've been going to the same councellor one on one lately but because of the kids we havent been able to go together. She said some things that concern me and mabye its just her trying to put me in check or sorta control the situation as its mabye moving too fast for her? I dont know but my wife lives totally on emotions all the time. She said she feels shes still puting up a wall and doesnt know how to fully let herself go, that she loves me but is wondering how to get the chemistry back and again shes affraid i'll go back to being the old me. Shes been having some bad dreams about me and also her ex stepdad who peeped on her and did some real inapropriate things. He had two personalities and since ive made so many changes I guess its confusing her and shes sorta worried i'll go back to the old me, the councellor agreed with this when I said it on Tuesday night. She allso said she still feels a bit tense around me and doesnt know why, this used to be a big issue with us. She said her mom and a couple others have told her to just let go for once and start living in the present and future, just enjoy what youve got and how good things are in your life and marriage. My wife said she wants to but its not that simple, shes allways held on to things espessially the negatives. We had been going every week but the councellor asked would we feel comfortable at this point coming just every other week? I said it was ok with me. Wife paused and councellor asked her again she said "yeah thats fine with me, guess I just need to take things one day at a time, divore isnt something to just into right not". WHAT!!!! We havent spoke of divorce in at least 2 months! This is something I just cant get, i dont know why the heck shed say that and its ohneslty really bothering me. For the first time in a month or so im starting to ? things a bit and im really worried it'll show. Im allso concerned since I did do so much to save our marriage like changing, compromising my feelings, and sorta just being real passive to get things back on track, mabye shes lost some respect for me? Mabye its time I started being a bit more assertive again and not such a nice guy or so willing to please? Oh and shes on the rag and was a total you know what this morning so I just told her to stop being so uptight and quit complaining about everything and left to take my son to school. After I put him in the truck I decided to come back in and say goodbye have a nice day (she was in the bathroom and couldnt see me) and she said it back and started appologysing but I ran out like I didnt hear her, i really didnt want to here it at the time. She called me a little while ago to appologyse and said she realizes what a b@#$h she was being, I said no problem gotta go see ya later. Really need some advice here, or input on what she may be feeling at this point. This is the first sorta setback in our reconiliation so far and im real botherd and not sure how to act. MY STORY
Quote: Really need some advice here, or input on what she may be feeling at this point.
I understand W's talking about D as a possibility is bothering you.
Well it just means, that the D-thought is still with your wife. I would not be concerned though. Honestly, does the question about M being right ever go away, for any of us? I don't think so. M cannot be taken for granted as many of us here have learned.
So I see that remark of your W just as an overly honest reply. One normally does not talk about D-thought so openly but with a C? To the opposite, I see it as a positive sign that she agreed to reduce the C-frequency.
Thanks Zoom, I never thought about it that way. Oh and I am happy, I think she is too but shes still not sure if the new me is here to stay. Guess I just have to be patient and like you said not worrie, be happy. Thanks
Hi blk - Reconciliation can be tough, as many of us here in Piecing discover To be honest, I sometimes think it is the ongoing maontenance that any relationship needs.
Quote: She said some things that concern me and mabye its just her trying to put me in check or sorta control the situation as its mabye moving too fast for her?
Sounds like you do not trust her, could this be a signal she is picking up? In what way do you think things are moving too fast? Would it make sense to slow things down a little?
Quote: since ive made so many changes I guess its confusing her and shes sorta worried i'll go back to the old me
What was it about the old you that she is most afraid of? Consistency is perhaps the only way to show her that your changes are for real. This one definitely takes time !
Thanks for the input slowly and I will say I think your onto something with the not trusting her thing. Its not that I dont trust what shes doing cause I do trust her to go out with her freinds ect.....Not sure why it is but at times I just dont trust what she says. She does seem to want to make sure I know were shes at and what shes doing so im sure she senses I have some trust issues with her to certain extent. Thing is I dont care what she does I trust her and if she did do somthing its on her at this point and im not gonna worry about it, plus I just dont see it happening. The way things may be moving to fast is... just a couple of months ago we were done, finished, over and now were buying a new car together saying ILY's and going on sorta as if. I dont know mabye (probebly) its just me being insecure or reading into things. My old ways would be to not meet her needs emotionally, take her for granted and just not being an overall happy person like I am now. Thats just not gonna happen and im prepared for it to take some time to prove it to her.
Funny how things work....or dont work at times. Thing that bothers me most is she mentioned in councelling a couple weeks ago she has a wall up and doesnt know how to let it down? I am sensing that and it does bother me. When she's feeling good the wall comes down and she calles me honey, pumpkin, touches me and just seems overal real happy witch in turn makes everything feel great all around. But other times she seems distant and uncaring, doesnt make alot of eye contact, no touching and overal just starts pissing me off and I dont want to be around her. I feel my W is the most self centered, self absorbed, insecure, vain person I know and our C agrees with most of this in one on one with me. I hate to say it but im starting to at times have bad feeling toward her for not placing ANY blame on herself for ANYTHING PERIOD!!! In our 9 years of marriage ive contstantly taken the blame upon myself for everything and made ALL the changes to make things right, and im still doing it today. I guess my biggest weekness is im just too hard on myself and am not too proud to change for the benifit of the family I love so much. I have to say and it may be shallow but.... My W is the most buitiful woman ive ever known (she was a model and has been in a few movies, she really is an amazing looking woman and attract ALOT of attention) and im so attracted to her physically it weekens me at times, its the only thing she realy has on me I cant get over. Im finding that her other qualities I used to love arent really there anymore or at least shes not showing them lately and its just my attraction to her physicaly that really gets to me. I hope im not coming off as shallow but its just how I feel and need to vent, also need some input or advice on how I should deal with these issues and not backstep by letting my feelings get the best of me.
I was just speaking to a friend of mine who knows our sitch. Mabye my wife is happy and im just reading too much into everything? Mabye im just being insecure and mabye IM the one whos not happy or getting the love I need and its starting to bother me? Just talked to my wife and she said she's sensed something wrong with me for the last couple of weeks and I told her its just work. She said she wishes id talk to her about it instead of holding it in cause shes felt the tention and thought it was because of her, witch it really is im just not prepared to share with her how insecure ive become about things lately. She told me to go ahead and go to councelling on my own tonight instead of togeather so I can talk about things. She also says she think ive been trying to do to much for her and the kids and missing too much work to do things she can take care of since she's the stay at home mom. She thinks I need to spend more time on myself and stop trying to be the perfect husband/father as its just too much pressure to put on myself, funny I never thought she saw things that way and mabye shes right? Mabye I need to just ease up and be myself instead of allways trying to act happy even when im not? So confused and really need to get things worked out in my head to regroup and refresh my veiw of things.
Well for most of us DBers I guess one of the things we all want to here I heard last night. I gave my W "The Five Love Languages" a couple of weeks ago to read but she hadnt touched it yet, till yesterday. She stayed home all day and I guess was bored enough to start reading, she called me at work to tell me she was enjoying the book. Well I also had a couple of other books in my night stand drawer that she decided to look through as well (not Devorce Remedy, I havent shared that with her yet) including "She Comes First" wich is a great book on pleasuring your W, I figured since I was improving myself as a person, husband and a father why stop there? Anyways she said she had some things to talk to me about after we got the kids put down, I didnt like the sound of it but that just shows I guess im still a bit insecure about our R. She said, "I just wanted to thank you for all the effort youve put into our marriage, for all the changing youve done and I never thought youd do this for us". "I though we'de be just like all the other couples you see that just divorce and go on with there lives but then you started reading and making changes and have become such a great husband and father". She also said she was out of the marriage and had moved on emotionally so she feels bad cause its taking her so long to recomit and put in the effort I have and that all my changes are still a bit overwhelming for her. She also said how lucky we are to have each other and how much she loves me, those are words that I'll appritiate hearing everytime I do for the rest of my life. Ive just go a hole new appritiation for having the love of my W and the life we've built togeather and i'll never take it for granted again. God I hope everyone in here is able to experiance the changes in there M's that I am right now, it truely is worth fighting for!!!
Hi blk - Fabulous progress at your neck of the woods, very well db'ed my friend. However, I see many doubts in your approach and reactions that could still derail this process. I'm going to pick up on some of the things you have posted, and try for a different perspective, so bear with me, OK?
She stayed home all day and I guess was bored enough to start reading, she called me at work to tell me she was enjoying the book.
It must have taken some courage for her to tell you that she was enjoying a book you had given her, just wondering how you responded to her. Would she be motivated to tell you what she enjoys again? And, did she tell you that she read it because she was bored, or is it an ASSumption?
Anyways she said she had some things to talk to me about after we got the kids put down, I didnt like the sound of it but that just shows I guess im still a bit insecure about our R. She said, "I just wanted to thank you for all the effort youve put into our marriage, for all the changing youve done and I never thought youd do this for us".
Bravo blk - you were conscious about the negativity that crept inside you, and next time, you may be able to kill it at birth. I guess we are all vulnerable to conditioning patterns - a bit like Pavlov's dogs She is really reaching out to you, blk. It's wonderful to see the progress.
She also says she think ive been trying to do to much for her and the kids and missing too much work to do things she can take care of since she's the stay at home mom. She thinks I need to spend more time on myself and stop trying to be the perfect husband/father as its just too much pressure to put on myself, funny I never thought she saw things that way and mabye shes right?
You may be the only person who can decide if what you are doing is 'too much' and perhaps more importantly, if it is sustainable. And I'm willing to wager part of her anxiety is around just how 'real' are these changes, will superdad and superhusband disappear once she lets down her guard.
blk, maybe its time to revisit your goals, and plan the next steps so you can control the pace a little more?
It must have taken some courage for her to tell you that she was enjoying a book you had given her, just wondering how you responded to her. Would she be motivated to tell you what she enjoys again? And, did she tell you that she read it because she was bored, or is it an ASSumption?
The bored part is just me being a little sarcastic I guess cause its been sitting on her nightstand for a few weeks now. My response was that I thought it was great she was enjoying the book and how I hoped she would get as much out of reading it as I have. Also that mabye we could sit and discuss it when she was finnished if she wanted to.
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Bravo blk - you were conscious about the negativity that crept inside you, and next time, you may be able to kill it at birth. I guess we are all vulnerable to conditioning patterns - a bit like Pavlov's dogs She is really reaching out to you, blk. It's wonderful to see the progress.
It is hard to break the patterns and negative feelings, espessially the ones that have become sorta habit durring our sitches. Because of the vulnarabitlity some of us experiance its hard not to be insecure and think negatively about the outcome at times, its something I still battle all the time.
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You may be the only person who can decide if what you are doing is 'too much' and perhaps more importantly, if it is sustainable. And I'm willing to wager part of her anxiety is around just how 'real' are these changes, will superdad and superhusband disappear once she lets down her guard.
Well you couldnt be more right here. Understandably im sure shes concerned about how real the changes are, shes even mentioned it in a conversation with a freind of ours. I think more than anything shes just a bit overwhelmed by all of it as its not something she ever thought I was capable of or even attempt. Its going to take some time for her to get used to the new me and for me to get used to it as well. Guess in time i'll find that happy medium that we both feel comfortable with in how much I try to do, for now I feel real good about being there for her and the kids even if it means puting aside my own needs to do it.
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blk, maybe its time to revisit your goals, and plan the next steps so you can control the pace a little more?
Looking forward to your next update. Slowly
Pace is so important and ive thought at times things may be moving a little quickly for her and causing some uneeded pressure/anxiety. I realy have been trying to work on that and keeping myself steady, not being so insecure or needy when im feeling uncertain about things, this is very difficult to do.
Slowly, I really appritiat your perspective, it helps greatly. I think most of us are so rapped up in our sitches we at times have a hard time stepping back and seing things for what they really are. Differant perspectives can add some clarity at times and its somthing I think we all need. I meen hey sometimes I forget just a couple months ago or so my W saw a lawer and wanted to discuss child custody with me, and how dissapointed she was that id be fighing for shared custody. Durring that conversation she told me how I wouldnt be single long as I have so much to offer and someone would snatch me up right away, the hole time I was thinking theres only one person I wanted to be with. I was devistated that night and thought things were over for sure. Here we are now realy taking huge steps to make our marriage not only work but be better than ever. I truely feel blessed but also know theres lots of work left to keep the possitive changes going. Thanks again!
To be honest, I sometimes think it is the ongoing maontenance that any relationship needs. 
