I see your points HP. I think I was projecting some of my own feelings onto the situation. I know how painful it is to make assertive attempts at ML and be rejected. Would just hate for Snook (or anyone else to feel like that too). But you are right, at least it is attractive and strong, rather than weak and placating. The rejection hurts, but the avoidance is often much more damaging. And I liked the part about questioning themselves. "Maybe they are just being loving and sensual and I am being resistent." Questioning their actions/responses. Let's hope anyways
Quote: -------------------------------------------- ... She said that she didn't know if I meant ML right after shower or later that evening. --------------------------------------------
From a perspective of viewing your situation from the outside, I simply don't believe her. She avoided doing it with you.
Set a date and see it through. Be SPECIFIC about when, why and who you expect to be involved. Then if she slides, you call her on it. Stop with the tentativeness, put your watermelons on the table and play Gallagher with the 'sledge-o-matic'.
Tell her what you would like. If she says no, ask her for a specific time and date. If she falls through, then you let her know. If she blows then you deal with that in the same straight forward manner. You treat her calmly and with respect, but you don't budge. In the mean time, you start fixing any of your own issues that are contributing to the poor condition of your marriage - and NO, that does not mean you become a house maid. It DOES mean that you start taking care of your half of the marriage.
All the best, -NOPkins-
I will ferret out an affair at any opportunity.
-An affair is the embodiment of entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect. -An infidel will remain unreachable so long as their sense of entitlement exceeds their ability to reason.
I know how painful it is to make assertive attempts at ML and be rejected.
When the opposite gender spouse is not 'filling there role' often times the role is tried to be filled by the wrong spouse, in a effort to demonstrate what they would like to receive.
It messes up the dynamic, and is usually-- always? from the looks of things around here, met with resisitance.
LD's actually require much more assertiveness, and ability to lead then HDW. If you do the steps correctly they are also much more likely to follow along.
You just smile at HDW's and they run for the bedroom. LOL.
Nop's suggestion is good because of its persistance, strength and not allowing the mans needs to be lowered. It is without question leading and assertive.
My suggestion is going for the attraction centers in a woman. Snooks W comments about the chicken skin being 'HARD' was her engaging him back in playful sexual innuendo banter. She is warming up, while trying to accuse him of being predictable to his whopper comment. Its adult verbal play. Women can snap into this at the drop of a pin. It amazes me. While not real time the verbal play that ensued yesterday with Stig, Corrie, et al, is a perfect example of this.
Hence my not to much concern with her 'LDness', or being offput by the joking aggresiveness. If she is, So what. Hes haveing some fun. She cant reject him, only miss out on a opportunity. Her loss.
being non reactive is very attractive. Very.
We have roles to play, positions to fill, sexual equations to balance out. Not following the code results in jibberish.
Your "may be too many steps ahead" comment is exactly where my frame of mind is lately (I can just hear BF in the background gruffing). I mean, the playfullness, joking inuendos are all fun and great for lightening the mood while keeping the topic of sex menatally present. However I think that there is a threshold that is too much or over the top. Which would have a negative effect at the present time.
In my best Tom Petty voice... "The Waaaaaiting, is the hardest part".
Can you use Tom Petty and best voice in the same sentence?
Thanks,
Snook.
Last edited by snookchaser; 12/23/0510:10 AM.
"And wrinkles only go where the smiles have been." J. Buffett
Your thoughts (and Blackies too), now have me questioning myself and my approach. While my tentative approach has kept the subject present rather than ignoring it or sweeping in under the rug. It hasn't been sucessfull either. So, maybe I should test the waters and "Kick it up a notch". As much as I can't stand the rejection, I do have a better understanding of that red little devil, and I'm in a better frame of mind these days to deal with it. She can question her self rather than the other way around.
Oh, are things any better at work this week for Mr HP?
Thanks, Snook
"And wrinkles only go where the smiles have been." J. Buffett
I'm already there with you on that idea. When I suggested the warm bath. I slipped up right behind her at the stove and with my hand on her arm, I nuzzled her neck with a kiss.
"And wrinkles only go where the smiles have been." J. Buffett
Wow, I've just been quitely journaling away and then BAM!
All of a sudden, a whole slew of posts on my thread.
Thanks to all for your wisdom. It helps so much.
NOP said:
Quote:
Stop with the tentativeness, put your watermelons on the table and play Gallagher with the 'sledge-o-matic'.
Oh, thanks for "that" mental image. Just the kind of picture I need flopping around in my noggin'. A 40 something man wearing a small cap and a tight striped shirt, rollerblading around the house weilding a wooden nut cracker ranting about a 'lak-o-nookie'. LOL
"Gimme that carton of Egg-Nog and then Aunt Minnie's Fruit Cake".
On a seroius note, thanks for your assessment, outside looking in and all. Both you and Honeypot have mentioned that the tentativeness of mine hasn't worked. And Blackfoot too, but his approach is different than your suggestion. So maybe its time for a different approach. Beating my head against a wall, wishing for it to turn into a door is useless. I wish that I had read your post earlier yesterday for that bit of redirected motivation.
Case in point. D10 spent the night at her friends house last night. My W and I were relaxing on the sofa watching TV. Just after 9 pm I asked her if she wanted to go and lay down in bed, she said that the channel we were watching wasn't available in our room and wanted to watch it some more. Then abbout 9:30ish, I looked over at her and she was dozing off. I got up, walked over and sat beside her. She opened her eyes and I said "Hey, Your dozeing off already? I thought since we were alone to night we could ML". She asked "What gave you that idea"? I said "Why not"? After a bit of a pause,she said "Well, if I can just lay there, you can do me". I said that didn't sound like any fun and wasn't what I had in mind".
Then there was a longer pause, we looked at each other for a few moments in silence. I raised my eyebrows in "Well"? She closed her eyes, placed her fingers on her brow and said "Why is it when you fall asleep, no one wakes you up. But, when I fall asleep, you've got to wake me up"? I just stood up looked at her and said "Never mind, you can just go back to sleep", and walked back over to sit in my recliner. Grrrr....I wanted so badly to say, "I'm going to our room to have sex, with you or without you". But I held my tounge figuring that would be too insensitive.
So, yeah, maybe the unsucessful 'tentative' approach needs to get sh#t-canned. Your right NOP, she is avoiding it and I can't for the life of me figure out why. Which then leads me back to your closing comments about me starting to fix any of my own issues contributing to the current state of our marriage. I have spent a great deal of time doing some serious self examination to find out just what thoese factors might be. I have unearthed a few and prioritized them. However, there must be more to it than that, and under the surface that I'm just not getting it.
Thanks again NOP. As with the others here, I value your input.
Happy Holidays!
Snook.
Last edited by snookchaser; 12/23/0512:13 PM.
"And wrinkles only go where the smiles have been." J. Buffett
ALthough they are helpful, sometimes I still have a hard time trying to cipher some of your messages. I'm still having a hard time with this one.
Quote: When the opposite gender spouse is not 'filling there role' often times the role is tried to be filled by the wrong spouse, in a effort to demonstrate what they would like to receive.
But I think that I understand this one.
Quote: LD's actually require much more assertiveness, and ability to lead then HDW. If you do the steps correctly they are also much more likely to follow along.
In a more evenly 'balanced' R, not too dissproportionate (HD/LD) relationship, or when both are making efforts to meet the others need(s). Although either side of the scale may contain different "stuff", they have similar mass. Thus the dynamic is 'balanced' with a specific overall weight.
However, with really LD's the scales are never really 'balanced', so the other spouse needs to over compensate a bit (assertiveness) making up that difference so that the overall weight/mass is the same and things can get going. Bad analogy, I know, but I hope you can see my point.
Blackie, I understand the overall picture. I need to change the dynamic, and from what you and the others here have mentioned. Is that more assertiveness, weather it be 'insistantly playfull' or 'seriously direct' is a better approach than the present. That this should change the dynamic and in all likelyhood be seen as more attractive.
An passive man is not an attractive one.
I'll keep up with more direct adult humour and weigh the results. If null, then it's "Sledge-O-Matic" time.
Thanks BF. Wishing you well and hope you have a great holiday.
Snook.
"And wrinkles only go where the smiles have been." J. Buffett
