Mars/Venus - Here's my story

[snookchaser]

I'm 42, H/D, my W is 47 N/D. Have been married for 11yrs. We have one D (10) together and W has 2 D's (27) and (23) from a previous marriage. She had been divorced for a couple of years and was I had been separated a year or two. We met on a blind date, got her phone number from a neighbor of my parents who worked with my W. We hit it off on our first date. She was /is beautiful, with gorgeous blues eyes, and fun personality. We had a lot of fun together and did a variety of activities (from weekend hotel getaways, to camping/fishing even an opera once).We dated for about 6 mo's, when we decided that I should move in. We were married within another 6-9mo's. From the beginning our intimate relationship seemed just fine, holding hands constantly, smooching in public, cuddling on the sofa, romps in the bedroom, romps on the sofa, and even romps in the tent.

But...somewhere after our D was born, things began to change and the intimate things that we used to do declined. I don't recall if it was suddenly or more a gradual decline. While I realize that, yes things do change dramatically and that for the most part some of those "activities" take a backseat to the joys and responsibilities of the addition of a precious little one in our lives, I also realize that there needs to be some balance within the R (Mommy and Daddy time too). So, I would still make efforts for the night out and a few weekend getaways to some not too far away Bed & Breakfast . It's the hopeless romantic in me. Although it didn't always create the right mood, I guess.

I have tried to reflect back to a specific event or series of events that may have lead to this and cannot connect it to anything specific. W worked in the medical field for many years and really want to go back to work (Dr's can be really jerks to work for) after our D was born. So she has become a SAHM. Things had not improved to well with improving intimacy or frequency. She did share with me some things that she was interested in trying in the bedroom. Although they worked for a bit, her interest has declined to the point where we are now. We have S seldom, once every few to six months. It is only when I initiate, and even when I do, shes not there with me. There is no EC at all! It's more like a hurry up and get it over with session. I have reached a point where that is not acceptable to me. I will not have S with someone who doesn't want it and is only present for the act because they know that it's necessary in a R. We have talked about this in detail time and time again, over the past few years. I have written her lengthy letters explaining how I feel and what I need. But I feel like we now suffer from the dreaded "room-mate" syndrome. I have detached emotionally.

Now before any SAHM's turn on their "slacker husband" radar screen. Let me say that aside from working I do help around the house. I take care of the finances, grocery shopping, yard work, dinner prep, various cleaning / cleanup tasks, help D with her homework and run her around to friends and activities. I decided at the beginning of this year to really examine our R in depth. What was I doing right, was was I do wrong. Was it me was it her or what. I purchased the SSM book for myself last Christmas while book shopping for others. I have never been a book reader, but had the typical reaction to the first chapter that I have seen others share here, "Wow, that sounds just like us". After I read it, I tried to share it with her and encouraged her to read too. I don't think that she got too much further than the first few chapters. I was discouraged, however this was not the first time (Mars/Venus, Light His&He Fire). We did talk about it, said she would read it but she fell off the wagon. I suggested reading together in the evenings but that didn't fly either. Then I got The Passionate Marriage. That one was hard for me to digest. I have not asked her to look at it either. In September, I suggested that we attend a Marriage Encounter Weekend (not WWME though). She agreed to go (not kicking and screaming, but not very into it either), although that event didn't seem to net any positive results.
She acknowledges that there is a problem here, however, we can't seem to move past first base.

I have come to the conclusion, that there are other issues at hand here. The effects of being a STHM has had. I believe that she suffers from depression (maybe severe) and has chronic pain. She currently takes medication for the latter, and a few other maintenance med's for thyroid. Having looked back through the length of this first post, I realize that for anyone has followed along, it's time to end this post. I'm beginning to question myself, if I'm posting in the wrong message board. If you have followed this, thank you for your time.