H continues to be distant. Often saying he feels tired. Not as happy or 'fun' that of recent weeks, Something is wrong. I have a strong suspision that he has been gambling and that he has spent money that he shouldn't have. ( In fact it's not a suspision I have proof. He has and keeps promising me money that he does not have. I'm not sure what to do...confront him or just let it go for him to sort out. It is not life and death for me. I can mannage without the money what is a problem for me is the lies that go with his gambling! I feel so disapointed. I know he is lying to protect me and probably because he feels embarrassed but it doesn't make it any easier to take. I suppose I have answered my own question here. By confronting him I am setting him up to lie. I know he won't admit he has a gambling problem. My aim now is to arm myself with as much information about gambling adictions as is humanly possble so that; should the time comes he admits he has a problem I am able to help. This goes against all of my 'fixer' desires and is a 180 from how I would normally react in this situation. I am also trying to keep upbeat and possitive but with his downcast mood and the fact of knowing what I know it's not easy.
Journeling. When H is down like this he keeps asking me if I love him. I don't answer or say I am thinking about it. What I want to say is..How can I love someone I don't trust? How can I trust someone who is not honset with me. But I won't 'cause I don't think he thinks he is being dishonest. Or am I just making excuses?
So, I confronted H about the gambling. Initially he lied and that was a huge disapointment. Some time later he admitted that he had gambled and got himself into some debt that he was working to clear. He was very angry and upset at being forced to'confess'. He still hasn't told me the whole story though ....
On a plus side I think it was reasuring for him to tell me stuff and not get a negative reaction. (i.e. I was understanding)
On a negative side it is not good when people bully information out of you and that is effectively what I did.
On reflection it is not the gambling that bothers me. It is his money, he has worked for it...what bothers me is the deception. I have given this some serious thought and realised that the reason I am so anti lies and feel so anxious and uptight when people behave in an untypical way is largely down to my own difficulties in childhood. It doesn't feel right to log them here but just wanted to mention that to remind me should I look back on this. I'll know what I mean
Our R continues to be fun around these stressful times, we have had another good weekend together.
Hiya pink - I hear you on the deception thing. However, lately I've been coming round to the idea that it may not be necessary for partners to tell each other everything.
It is his money, he has worked for it...he admitted that he had gambled and got himself into some debt that he was working to clear. He was very angry and upset at being forced to'confess'
I cannot recall, had he promised you voluntarily that he would not gamble? Here's my take on this. There is my stuff, there is his stuff, and there is stuff we promise each other. The first two, we tell each other if we want to. The last stuff, we have to tell each other.
Is it possible that he feels hemmed in because he has to be accountable to you for what he thinks is his stuff?
Yes you are right he has not said that he won't gamble, my annoyance is that h is not honest about it. But then I wonder if he see's it as dishonest? I don't think so. Itis like me going shopping and not telling him I have bought a new top. He could argue that I am not being honest there so I have kind of relaxed a little about him omitting to tell me things.
The problem is when he says he will give me money at the w/e for example..when the weekend arives he says i will give it to you wednesday...when Wednesday arrives he says, Oh I haven't had time to go to the bank I'll let you have it friday... and so on. All the time he knew he didn't have it - he knew h'd spent it! If he just said to me sorry I don't have it till next month, that would not be a problem. Do you see what I am getting at? I have explained that to him though now.
So, we had another chat last night I told him my liking him is not dependant on him stopping gambling. It is up to him. There is lots of info about this disease and if he gets to a point where he feels he needs help then I am there for him and will help him all I can.
In the meantime all I can do is protect my own finances and become more independant in that regard.
I think he is starting to see a softer, more approachable side to me. Whilst talking last night he confessed that he didn't even realise that I worried about him. He's said a lot of things like that of late. Our deteriorating relationship must have affected more that it appeared.
Anyway that was him on the phone just asking if he should come round this evening and cook dinner for me so that will be a real treat as he is a very good cook
It was an amazing Christmas. In many ways I couldn't have asked for more from H. he was kind, attentive, bought gifts for everyone that were clearly chosen with great care. He played games with the children, helped with the food preparation and clearing up, complimented me on how I looked and how good the food was etc. It was perfect. We had long chats about stuff..(even gambling) and I felt very close to him, more so that I can ever recall feeling. He stayed over for the last four nights which added to the closeness we are starting to build between us.
So that was the good bit
On a negative side. I notice from the computers history that he has been gambling on line. He didn't tell me which makes me feel he is hiding things from me. I feel scared, unsafe and wonder if I can trust him. In my eyes and that of his mother who I have spoken several times over Christmas he has a gambling problem. Is it wise to invest emotionally into someone with a serious addiction? Should my marriage to him on the condition that he doesn't gamble? Shouldn't I be able to love him unconditionally? Lots for me to muse over when I go for a very long walk with the boys today.
In my heart I know it isn't *my* problem. I know I can't fix it for him. All I can do is to protect myself finacially and stop enabling him by lending him money. I know that I need to join a support group for families of compulsive gamblers in order to get support for myself.
Hiya pink - Glad you had a fantastic Xmas, and I wish you an equally fabulous New Year. I think you said it all about the gambling
All I can do is to protect myself finacially and stop enabling him by lending him money.
Although NG's weaknesses have not been as addictive as gambling, I found that the less I asked, the more he told me. Inherent in these cases are two problems, the addiction, and the cover up. IMO, it will be impossible to solve both at the same time, and more often than not, it seems feeling safe to be open precedes finding the cure.
So after a fair time away from the boards, thinking and observing my R, it has become clear to me that despite my initial thoughts protecting myself financially isn't going to be enough.
When H is going through a gambling phase, it is almost as if he has another woman He is secretive, moody, disapears for hours at a time with no explanation etc etc. It's not nice. He builds a wall around himself to stop me finding out what is going on. Unfortunatly for him my children have very big eyes and ears and often tell methat he has been gambling on fruit machines or is on the computer on-line casino. It can't be good for them to witness this.
So my situation at the moment is this. He has recently had a bit of a gambling splurge. I am pretty sure he has very little money and will need to borrow some soon. I will be saying no. No discussions, begging to know what is going on, where his money is going nothing. None of the usual stuff that precedes me loaning him money. Just NO. I am prepared for a bit of a tricky ride. I must be strong. If he is big and clever enough to log on to a casino and gamble his wages away whilst hiding all of the evedence so that I can't find out then he is big and clever enough to sort out the financial mess himself. If I keep on enabling him I am not being of any help to him at all.
Not sure what to do about the feeling of being shut out I am experiencing at the moment. I don't normally 'say' anything just let it go and let the resentment build up. I am thinking about doing a 180 and telling him how I feel. It is too early for the honeymoon period to have passesd surely
( In fact it's not a suspision I have proof. He has and keeps promising me money that he does not have. I'm not sure what to do...confront him or just let it go for him to sort out. It is not life and death for me. I can mannage without the money what is a problem for me is the lies that go with his gambling! I feel so disapointed. I know he is lying to protect me and probably because he feels embarrassed but it doesn't make it any easier to take. I suppose I have answered my own question here. By confronting him I am setting him up to lie. I know he won't admit he has a gambling problem. My aim now is to arm myself with as much information about gambling adictions as is humanly possble so that; should the time comes he admits he has a problem I am able to help. This goes against all of my 'fixer' desires and is a 180 from how I would normally react in this situation. I am also trying to keep upbeat and possitive but with his downcast mood and the fact of knowing what I know it's not easy.
takes some time but I do get there eventually!! LOL.
Or am I just making excuses?
Slowly
He didn't tell me which makes me feel he is hiding things from me. I feel scared, unsafe and wonder if I can trust him. In my eyes and that of his mother who I have spoken several times over Christmas he has a gambling problem. Is it wise to invest emotionally into someone with a serious addiction? Should my marriage to him on the condition that he doesn't gamble? Shouldn't I be able to love him unconditionally? Lots for me to muse over when I go for a very long walk with the boys today. 
He is secretive, moody, disapears for hours at a time with no explanation etc etc. It's not nice. He builds a wall around himself to stop me finding out what is going on. Unfortunatly for him my children have very big eyes and ears and often tell methat he has been gambling on fruit machines or is on the computer on-line casino. It can't be good for them to witness this.