Life Is What You Make It.

[pink]

I sense here that you may have missed the point. From the way I take what she said was that she didn't think the immature ones were unsuitable, she just didn't like that they preyed on a part of him that was impressionable at the time, even if they were telling him he was making a mistake. There was no judging of their behavior and what they did, she viewed them as a real threat to her marriage.

At risk of digging myself into an even bigger hole...I'd like to point out that he's a grown man. Not a child.

Pink, it just seems like you are having a big struggle of accepting the things you can control, and those you can't. It's okay to WANT your H to do things your way, but you need to accept that he'll find his own way...you can only be you. Also, just because it isn't done your way, doesn't mean it's wrong and if you continue to judge him for it being his way, if your R ever comes back together will you be able to accept that he learned everything he needed to learn by doing it his way? or will you always have doubts?

I am not sure what you think I am having trouble accepting. What I am struggling with at the moment is finding a compromise that suits us both.

You say you dont' want your H talking about you with his buddies...

What I meant was that I don't WANT him to talk to his buddies about me I don't think it is important...I wouldn't ask him to go talk to John because he's a good guy and likes me. I don't think anything they could say would infulence what H is thinking and feeling. It is not important to me what his friends think of me... If H hangs about with guys that make him confused about the R..thats his choice.

but you know what I learned through all of this...I have some true friends who are mature, understand love and life, and know how to love unconditionally...and then I have those that force their own belief systems upon me and no matter what, will never accept that my choices are as correct as theirs...they judge. I have those who judge and those who have an opinion. Those with the opinion are still by me today in my change of heart. Those who judge, can't let go of what they believe is the right choice and can't accept my choice that differs from theirs....they're great friends when I believe what they believe, but they suck when I don't.

You have the maturity to figure out this...why think your H would not do the same with his friends?

Who are we to say that others need ...or are ready for spiritual growth and accountability?

Wouldn't you say, that no matter who you are there's always room for improvement? Everyone comes to it in their own time and some of us can see the struggle of others when trying to grow...it's a painful process most of the time. However, close friends KNOW when the opportunity presents itself for that growth...close friends that are deep in meaning are able to give us the shove we need at times. Those who aren't close friends can try all they want to give the shove, but it will never happen. Sometimes that shove is a risk for the person doing the shoving as at the wrong time could have some serious consequenses in the R.

Exactly ..There is always room for improvement, but not everybody wants to improve. Their choice!

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Good friends don't give advice, they ask the right questions...not leading questions...objective questions on important issues. They don't project their own feelings into your R.

That is your view of a good friend... I am sure that works for you.

It bothers me that you suggest she should have left so Mr. W doesn't harbour guilt. For the record, you have turned that to place blame, where there should not be any. Things are what that are.

I said maybe...and maybe that is the case.

Speaking from my own R to stop me getting into further trouble. We were both unhappy. There was no love between us...had I not stamped my foot and kicked him out he would have still been here...still unhappy. We could not have gone on like that for ever. On reflection...why he didn't have an A is beyond me, I feel that if we had of carried on as we were he would have at some point in the not too distant future have had an A. This is what I see when I lok back with heinsight..he was neglected, unloved, unappreciated. I can see that now. I couldn't see it then. All I saw was my own unhappiness. If i hadn't acted...he would of. This is just the thought that was in my mind when I wrote about 'something' in an unhappy R having to give. Betsy has mentioned many times about Mr. W guilt. It seems from what I have read if he could get past this... then there would be a very good chance of reconsiliation between them. They sound like a lovely couple that have got a huge wall of something..guilt/ anger between them. If Betsey had of acted instead of waiting till he did then things may well have been different. Thats not a dig...it's not me laying blame it's something worth thinking about and bearing in mind for the future.

My views are clearly different from yours. Thats Ok I can live with that. Hope you can too.
pink. x