Sorry I haven't been around much...haven't really even been posting in my own thread except on occasion...but I thought I'd do a drive by today!!! And low and behold, of course I have somethings for you to chew on...
Quote: I don't think it is wrong to have an opinion. I regularly hear of people who do things that I don't approve of. I aknowlege those feelings and explore the where appropriate...I could argue that you judged H friends by thinking that the immature ones were unsuitable....
I sense here that you may have missed the point. From the way I take what she said was that she didn't think the immature ones were unsuitable, she just didn't like that they preyed on a part of him that was impressionable at the time, even if they were telling him he was making a mistake. There was no judging of their behavior and what they did, she viewed them as a real threat to her marriage. There's plenty of people who behave immaturely and we don't judge them for it or think less of them, sure we have an opinion but that opinion is more about our own choices and who we are. There's a difference between judging and having an opinion I think. Having an opinion suggests that you believe both parties are correct, but you're choice is to behave one way...not that it's more right, it's just what you're comfortable with. Judging, on the other hand, suggests there's a right and wrong way to behave and that you are unable to understand WHY someone might make a different choice than you...you don't free them to exist as they are around you because they don't fit into your acceptable choices and behaviors...their choice makes you uncomfortable. Does that make sense?
Okay, I'm gonna challenge you here on the rest of this stuff in one big swoop.
Pink, it just seems like you are having a big struggle of accepting the things you can control, and those you can't. It's okay to WANT your H to do things your way, but you need to accept that he'll find his own way...you can only be you. Also, just because it isn't done your way, doesn't mean it's wrong and if you continue to judge him for it being his way, if your R ever comes back together will you be able to accept that he learned everything he needed to learn by doing it his way? or will you always have doubts?
You say you dont' want your H talking about you with his buddies...I felt the same way at first cause I wasn't sure on their position about me. I was afraid they'd tell him what he wanted to hear rather than being a good friend and giving it to him straight. I'd rather have had it where my H talked about me with them and let him see all sides of everything, rather than just the one I was showing him and just the one he believed...cause truly there is something completely different out there if you can both grow and learn. I can think of many things worse than having my friends encourage me to do something I didn't want to do...I too wanted my friends to accept my choices, but you know what I learned through all of this...I have some true friends who are mature, understand love and life, and know how to love unconditionally...and then I have those that force their own belief systems upon me and no matter what, will never accept that my choices are as correct as theirs...they judge. I have those who judge and those who have an opinion. Those with the opinion are still by me today in my change of heart. Those who judge, can't let go of what they believe is the right choice and can't accept my choice that differs from theirs....they're great friends when I believe what they believe, but they suck when I don't.
Quote: Who are we to say that others need ...or are ready for spiritual growth and accountability?
Wouldn't you say, that no matter who you are there's always room for improvement? Everyone comes to it in their own time and some of us can see the struggle of others when trying to grow...it's a painful process most of the time. However, close friends KNOW when the opportunity presents itself for that growth...close friends that are deep in meaning are able to give us the shove we need at times. Those who aren't close friends can try all they want to give the shove, but it will never happen. Sometimes that shove is a risk for the person doing the shoving as at the wrong time could have some serious consequenses in the R.
Quote: No I don't. But different advice may not have been wrong. If your friends cared about you so much why would they encourage you to stay in an unhappy relationship? Maybe if YOU had left the R earlier Mr. W. would not have been forced to do so and would not be harbouring all of this guilt now
Good friends don't give advice, they ask the right questions...not leading questions...objective questions on important issues. They don't project their own feelings into your R. It bothers me that you suggest she should have left so Mr. W doesn't harbour guilt. For the record, you have turned that to place blame, where there should not be any. Things are what that are.
Nickel
"The walls we build around us to keep sadness out also keeps out the joy."
