Betsey... There were lots of similarities in the lists that you all made. Distancing himself by going to the pub...working too much even moving to another city to get more work...lots of things but what really really him home was your letter to Mr.W, especially this list
QUOTE: 1. Indifference and apathy 2. Conflict avoidance 3. Emotional or physical affairs 4. Deceit—primarily portrayed in a passive-aggressive manner 5. Lack of commitment 6. Unwillingness to seek understanding and search for solutions 7. Unwillingness to learn 8. Lack of affection—both verbal and physical 9. Overindulgence in alcohol as a means of self medication 10. Referring to making love as “boinking” or “doing me”—I don’t want to be disrespected any
I would need to add to this sercetiveness. H hides everything. His cell phone is locked, computer pass word coded several times in all areas...He just hides everything. Part of me is suspicious thinking that he must have something to hide if he is so secretive but I have snooped many times and not found anything significant. I know, I know it's naughty but hey!
It is his secretiveness about all that bugs me.Or I should say it used to bug me. Now I just look at it as silly, childish and imature. The conclusion I came to when I sneaked inside his phone and mail box many monthes ago was the fact that he kept it secret was that there was nothing to see. Ok there were lots of silly jokes and stuff but nothing 'meaningful'
As far as friends go..I don't really get involved in them. I am not into sitting in pubs all evening, I may go for a drink or a meal but to sit watching football is not my cup of tea. I wouldn't ask him to stop seeing any of his friends either. I find them all kind of sad to be sitting in a pub when they could be at home doing stuff with their families. Why did you see your Mr.W. friends a s a threat Betsey? Could he have picked up these vibes and that is why he ditched them? Could he be blaming you for that?
QUOTE...........................................
But the underlying theme here might bear more mulling and consideration. If he seems to prefer hanging out with bar mates as a simple objection to your control, that's easy enough. But if he chooses to engage in Rs where there is no intimacy or depth, it might be a smokescreen for a really huge issue.
I say these things not to be an alarmist, but just to find some stuff to chew on and consider. Which is why I wanted you to do the consideration exercise....
Not sure what you mean Betsey. Why do you think that people who engage in Rs where there is no intimacy or depth, it might be a smokescreen for a really huge issue? Are you saying that they are likely to have affairs and such like? I do worry that H is emotionally imature, and this coupled with his desire to be liked does make me feel that it wouldn't take much to tempt him into an affair / fling. But then I can't stress ou about something that may never happen. If he's gonna do it he's gonna do it...all I can do is provide a R that he'd be silly to leave. If he does that thanks to DBers I am fully armed to deal with it. I have learned so much from you guys here and continue to do so.
Sorry if I am off track with hat you meant Betsey... I will do the consideration exercise over the weekend. It certainly will give me something to chew on.
I know, I know it's naughty but hey! 
