Good, I'm glad you said this! What I read here is that you feel you need more from him than what you're getting. Is that correct? You probably want some assurances that he's working toward the same goal as you are, right? Well, why not schedule some time and discuss this issue directly?
Now this is an issue Betsey...but for him. He has actually said that he feels he is not giving enough/ doing enough for 'us' at the moment. he's much friendlier than he used to be, he takes me out, chats more he has changed heaps. I am happy with the way things are going and not needing to rush stuff. I am doing more for him and feeling good about it. I do feel that he wants me to tell him that I love him, I do think HE is looking for reasurance. That is what makes this pub thing *so* annoying.
The pub is a smoke screen, Pink. I hear you say you don't like it. But forbidding him? That's controlling. And control issues are rooted in fear. Why do you fear him going to the pub? Is it:
1. That you are not accompanying him? or 2. He drinks and you don't approve of that? or 3. He's choosing to spend time away from you when you want to be with him? or 4. You want him to account for every minute of his day and control really is your goal?
NO, No no... I have an open invitation to just turn up. On Tuesday when he came for dinner he sent me a text saying why not pop up wit the boys.. I'm not really into pubs. I am not anti pubs or drinking. I drink. I think the answer is number 3. He chooses to take time that he has promised me and go to the pub. I would be just as annoyed if he was going to the shops or for a game of tennis. He promised that he would come home at 5..he should come home at 5.
I think he does pop into the pub when he isn't here. I think he is very aware of alcahol. Both of his parents have alcahol problems ... maybe he is devloping one; I hope not. He never ever drinks in the house for some reason. I think it is because his parents did, but I will keep an eye on this.
maybe you're right. he could think that if I stop him from going out on a Tuesday I will demand more and more pub free days until he isn't allowed to go any more.
If you do know for sure that he doesn't go to the pub then, why do you think he chooses to do it when you want time from him? Plainly said, is there any reason he might be afraid of giving in to you and your fears? Losing himself and his voice?
I am now wondering if he is so insecure that he is doing it to upset me...to get a reaction that I care. Does that make sence?
Pink, Mr. Wonderful was guilty of this too. Only when I gave up the control did he change HIS behaviors. That's how it works. Because I have no right to make demands on him and expect him to kowtow to me and THEN to expect our R is going to be happy. It doesn't work that way.
I know what you are saying!1 When I stopped nagging H to give up his job in London and move nearer home he did...LOL.
Mr. Wonderful and I shared an awfully similar dymamic as you and your H. Our MC taught us a technique I call the Interrogation so we could pick a topic and discuss it and keep the communication lines going. We don't need to follow it now, because we are both active listeners and I have lost most of my defensiveness.
Thanks for sharing that Betsey! I will give this ago.
Pink, you have a serious case of expecting him to read your mind illness. I don't disagree with your wish list, though. I know I'd be annoyed with Mr. W. if I were in your shoes. But you can't approach this sitch and hope it to change if you don't speak up. And you can't expect him to listen if your fears are being splattered all over the place and it makes him uncomfortable to tell you the truth.
LOl, Yo are sooo right Betsey. It doesn't help that he is the least perceptive person I know.
So share with him your theory. Tell him what you need. And offer to give him what he needs too. But that doesn't mean you get your way... he may still want the pub. And you may still disapprove of his unwinding method. How can you address your fears instead of attempting to get him to see your position more clearly and agree with you?
(I can tell you from experience that it doesn't work.)
I have a couple of little ideas up my sleeve... 1. Join him at the pub ) 2. Drop the boys off at the pub (It is hugely child friendly) so that I can get the break I need. 3. Text him and tell him what he is missing at home and what I have planned for the next time he comes round...
Frankly, I really don't see a hopeless situation here. I think it looks fabulously promising. But in order for both of you to have a voice in your R, some serious communication changes are going to have to take place. You're the one who has decided that you want to make this work, so I'm afraid the change of communication course is going to have to be initiated by you.
I agree Bestey. I was reading a book recently entitied 'Nasty Men' It described H to a T, as a 'Mr Nice Guy.' passive aggressive type of person. It is very difficult to get him to communicate any negative feelings at all. He tends to agree with everything I say and then do what he wants anyway. I mean he has actually agreed not to go to the pub before coming round LOL and thn he did it! I am just going to have to be one step ahead of him.
Now, let's get to a happier place... Can you list 10 positive things that have happened between you this year?
I agree - definatly not hopeless...just teething problems!
Ok, he has avtually taken *ME* out to dinner in a restaurant!
He has taken all of us as a family out for Sunday lunch twice...
he has given me a card with chocolates...(found them on the step this morning!)
We have spent quality time together and enjoyed it.
I have given him a massage. (first one ever)
We are communicating a lot more through e-mail, text phone and chatting...
I have cooked things for him that I know he enjoys.
We sit closer and touch more.
We have both noticed changes in each other and commented on them.
We are much kinder to each other, more thoughtful.
You know Betsey... The only friends H has are those he drinks with. His family do not live locally. I think it is important to him to keep these friendships alive with his mates; he may see them as a safety net in case things go wrong between us. They have very little in common other than they like to srink beer and watch football... I don't see them as a threat or anything..
Does that make sence?
When I stopped nagging H to give up his job in London and move nearer home he did...LOL. 
)
