Life Is What You Make It.

[Underdog]

Heya Pink!

Now we're cooking on gas over here...

no it needn't be an evening ruiner but I am looking for more than just an evening thing. I am looking at going the distance

Good, I'm glad you said this! What I read here is that you feel you need more from him than what you're getting. Is that correct? You probably want some assurances that he's working toward the same goal as you are, right? Well, why not schedule some time and discuss this issue directly?

The pub is a smoke screen, Pink. I hear you say you don't like it. But forbidding him? That's controlling. And control issues are rooted in fear. Why do you fear him going to the pub? Is it:

1. That you are not accompanying him? or
2. He drinks and you don't approve of that? or
3. He's choosing to spend time away from you when you want to be with him? or
4. You want him to account for every minute of his day and control really is your goal?

I do understand why you're irritated that he chooses to hit the pub first before heading over to see you vs. choosing to do that on the nights he does not. Do you know for sure he doesn't do that too? (That might signal some other issues with alcohol...)

If you do know for sure that he doesn't go to the pub then, why do you think he chooses to do it when you want time from him? Plainly said, is there any reason he might be afraid of giving in to you and your fears? Losing himself and his voice?

Pink, Mr. Wonderful was guilty of this too. Only when I gave up the control did he change HIS behaviors. That's how it works. Because I have no right to make demands on him and expect him to kowtow to me and THEN to expect our R is going to be happy. It doesn't work that way.

It seems to me that you 2 could benefit from some rules for engagement. Or at least to discuss your feelings so you can define your expectations.

Mr. Wonderful and I shared an awfully similar dymamic as you and your H. Our MC taught us a technique I call the Interrogation so we could pick a topic and discuss it and keep the communication lines going. We don't need to follow it now, because we are both active listeners and I have lost most of my defensiveness.

Here's how it works:

Pick a topic to discuss--and I'd choose the pub since it's really bugging you. Then you agree to either be the interrogator or the responder. Let's say you get to start by asking questions and he starts by only answering them.

You can ONLY ask him questions (no statements or opinions allowed), and he can ONLY answer them (same rules). Once you are finished asking, you signal the end of your questioning by asking one final question: Is there anything else you need me to know before we change places?

Let him have his voice and then switch... He only asks questions and you only answer them. He ends with the same final question. If there is still more there, you can continue to engage or if you're both satisfied, you can stop.

What this does is teach us to stop defending and attacking. Have you ever argued with him so vociferously that in your head, you're already forming rebuttals to his attacks and neither one of you are listening or caring to empathize? Well, the interrogation technique destroys that dynamic because you cannot make rebuttals when you are only asking or answering questions.

Pink, you have a serious case of expecting him to read your mind illness. I don't disagree with your wish list, though. I know I'd be annoyed with Mr. W. if I were in your shoes. But you can't approach this sitch and hope it to change if you don't speak up. And you can't expect him to listen if your fears are being splattered all over the place and it makes him uncomfortable to tell you the truth.

So share with him your theory. Tell him what you need. And offer to give him what he needs too. But that doesn't mean you get your way... he may still want the pub. And you may still disapprove of his unwinding method. How can you address your fears instead of attempting to get him to see your position more clearly and agree with you?

(I can tell you from experience that it doesn't work.)

Frankly, I really don't see a hopeless situation here. I think it looks fabulously promising. But in order for both of you to have a voice in your R, some serious communication changes are going to have to take place. You're the one who has decided that you want to make this work, so I'm afraid the change of communication course is going to have to be initiated by you.

Now, let's get to a happier place... Can you list 10 positive things that have happened between you this year?

What you focus on expands. Let's focus on those positives.

Betsey