Life Is What You Make It.

[Underdog]

Pink,

Betsey I can't see why explaining to him how I feel isn't working.

Let's go back to what you said in your previous post:

I was planning to talk to him about what he is doing at the moment. Explain to him just how his behaviour is effecting my moods.

I'm afraid that this is a case of classic projection. You're holding him responsible for how you feel. It's up to you to communicate how you feel, not point out how his behaviors are holding you hostage.

You actually started heading here in today's post:

If he said to me every time you do XYZ I feel vulnerable and scared I would stop doing XYZ. I would appreciate your enlightenment.

Let's reframe a bit, okay? I hear you saying that you want to tell him you feel vulnerable and scared, right? The real issue here is how you're feeling--NOT what he's doing. His behaviors can't force you to feel something, Pink. Feelings are all about you and an inside job. Therefore, it's up to you to communicate how you feel... not point out his behaviors.

If he's really concerned, he's going to give you the opportunity to tell him why you feel this way. Again, I would highly discourage you from attacking his behavior.

For example...

Let's say that you're feeling vulnerable and scared because he isn't kissing you and greeting you the moment he walks through the door. I'm not going to make a judgment call on the behavior, Pink. But let's say that you wonder if his lack of attention and affection means he's thinking of calling it quits.

See this horrible progression, based on negative assumptions from one small action?

Let's also say that he's preoccupied. He's had a hideous day and he is actually looking forward to seeing you and the kids. As he's on his way home, he's trying to process what happened and he's still not finished putting it away and just spaces out the moment he walks through the door.

You launch into a verbal attack, holding him responsible for your wayward thoughts and negative feelings.

Is this fair?

The honest thing to do would be to say, "Honey, did you have a bad day?"

He might grumble and say yes and then you can say, "I was worried there... I'm used to seeing you smile and get a kiss, so I was a little scared for a moment."

Pink, can you see the difference between owning your feelings and projection? Does this make sense?

Got an order to ship, so I'm off for a bit. Be back...

Betsey