I have decided to move to the piecing forum in a bid to remind myself of my ultimate goal; to piece my marriage back together.
I am a WAW, married for 14 years 2 sons aged 9. My H and I are currently separated.
Initially when H left I felt a huge surge of relief and was on quite a high; but over the monthes I have gradually 'come down' and realised that I do still care for him, do still love him but he has behaviour that is difficult to live with and I have problems asserting what I want. I find it difficult to express my feelings towards him other than anger and resentment!
So anyway, over the monthes my feelings towards him have softened and we have recently managed to get quite close to one another, Infact on my other thread I actually wrote that I feel more for him than I ever remember doing..infatuated was the work I used.
However, I don't know whether he has felt this too and it has scared him but the last week has been just awful. He has spent more time in the pub than I have ever known him doing, he has turned up late for dinner (3 hours late!!) He has not been staying around as long as he used to making lame excuses to 'get away' like he has housework to do.. This is a man who doesn't even own or know how to use a vacume LOL So I'm not sure what is going on. All I know is that this last week has seemed like a major rollar coaster ride and I don't like it. I do suffer from depression from time to time. I do a good job of controlling it with diet and exercise, PMA whever possible and avoiding stress so as you can immagine this past week has worried me. If he is testing me, playing games I can do without it... I need to keep my moods on an even keel.
So anyway, this place is just going to be a place whereI can record for future refence what is going on with my feelings and my R. To make plans and share thoughts with anyone who cares to comment.
H is coming over for dinner tonight. I was planning to talk to him about what he is doing at the moment. Explain to him just how his behaviour is effecting my moods. However, I have done this **so** many times and he just doesn't get it, so I won't bother.
Time to try something different.
I will keep a PMA. Be affectionate. Not let him stay over. (He normally stays over when he comes for dinner.) ( I will make sure I have stuff to do )
He will be expecting me to rake over the week and complain but I don't intend to give him any more attention than he already has had for being annoying LOL
Oh, Pink, I wish I had found you earlier! I'm hoping your dinner went well. Oh, and welcome to Piecing! You definitely belong here.
Quote: I was planning to talk to him about what he is doing at the moment. Explain to him just how his behaviour is effecting my moods. However, I have done this **so** many times and he just doesn't get it, so I won't bother.
OK, Pink, this clearly says it ain't working fer ya. Can you see why this doesn't work? I can, but I want to see if you can draw a straight line between the two.
Is complaining about household chores something that has bothered him in the past?
I'll be back.
Betsey
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
So anyway, over the monthes my feelings towards him have softened and we have recently managed to get quite close to one another, Infact on my other thread I actually wrote that I feel more for him than I ever remember doing..infatuated was the work I used.
However, I don't know whether he has felt this too and it has scared him but the last week has been just awful. He has spent more time in the pub than I have ever known him doing, he has turned up late for dinner (3 hours late!!) He has not been staying around as long as he used to making lame excuses to 'get away' like he has housework to do.. This is a man who doesn't even own or know how to use a vacume LOL So I'm not sure what is going on. All I know is that this last week has seemed like a major rollar coaster ride and I don't like it. I do suffer from depression from time to time. I do a good job of controlling it with diet and exercise, PMA whever possible and avoiding stress so as you can immagine this past week has worried me. If he is testing me, playing games I can do without it...
I wonder too if hes felt it and now playing games with you? Probley not the best way to win you back!!! You not being able to share your feelings and needs with him just doesnt seem right, youd hope hed want nothing more than to be supportive and understanding.
Dinner went really well. We did chat, and one of the things that was uncovered was that he is feeling a little lost at the moment. Things have changed so drastically between us that he is feling confused and vulnerable. On one hand he is 'enjoying it whilst it lasts' (read that as not expecting it to last!) and on the other hand trying to GAL himself and build up new social circle. (He has recently moved jobs from somewhere 200 miles away to something very near home - so he is trying to fit in to his new job and make friends)It *must* be a dificult time for him.
This isn't helped at all by the fact that I am highly sensitive at the moment. Something I *really* hate about myself. If he does something that I don't want him to, I see it as him pulling back and I get very anxious about it blowing it out of all proportion. He then see's this as me going off him again. A viscious circle you might say. I really feel that I need to get to a place where I can tell him how I feel when I feel it. (Or would it be better to talk to someone else about this??)Betsey I can't see why explaining to him how I feel isn't working. If he said to me every time you do XYZ I feel vulnerable and scared I would stop doing XYZ. I would appreciate your enlightenment.
Household chores? ..You know he often asks, is there anything I can do for you around here, I normally say no. (on reflection that may be a bad response if I wast him to feel part of the family again...) If I ask him to do something I can't do; such as repair one of the boys bikes he does it immediatly. He's pretty good like that. I wish he would SEE for himself what needs doing and do it, rather than asking though
So anyway, yea dinner went well. We talked and that always helps. It has been a bit of a rough week for me going from feeling so good about the R to feeling so low. I hate these swings, but I feel I have learned a lot, One thing I am struggling with at the moment, is that for the last however many years I have *blamed* H for now showing his feelings, having a wall around his heart etc. Bu I have over the last few weeks began to realise that it is me and not him that is the one who finds it difficult to open up and share their emotions. Quite a hard one to deal with. Finding yourself guilty of doing something that not only have you accused someone else of but not liked about them. Not sure how to move forwardwith this..other than 'facing my fear'. It's not easy, especially when there is lots of guilt attached to this too for making my H endure a R where feelings were withheld and blaming him.
Quote: [ I wonder too if hes felt it and now playing games with you? Probley not the best way to win you back!!! You not being able to share your feelings and needs with him just doesnt seem right, youd hope hed want nothing more than to be supportive and understanding.
Thanks BLK.
Since starting DBing I have noticed that my H is a *natural* DBer. he doesn't read this site, or any of the self help books but he just does all the stuff that LBS are supposed to do. He has never begged pleaded or cried for me to come back. He has been patient and accepting of things I do. Let me tell you this it is *SO* annoyoing You just can't push his buttons. I don't think he has any LOL.
I don't think he does play games. He is thoughtless at times, but then I think that is genuine and not as to cause a reaction in me. He is genuinely surprised when he does something that he thinks is OK and I get upset about it. He doesn't really 'get' relationships I don't think. He's a very literal thinker, goal orientated. Not an emotional one like me. He just doesn't get why I am so emotional.
I suppose the R is a very small part of his life. He has his work, a teaching course he is doing, a data base to run, family and friends to keep up with etc. For me this is it. I have very little going on outside the R, so when things go a little wobbly I blow it out of proportion. I've made headway with that though. I have joined the gym at long last and have been looking through some info about a college course I can get onto (part time evenings) I have going to have a go at web designing. Something I havebeen interested in for the longest of time. I am hoping my not focsing *so* much on the family and H, I can chill out a little... Thanks for your reply.
[quoteYou not being able to share your feelings and needs with him just doesnt seem right, youd hope hed want nothing more than to be supportive and understanding.
P.S. I want to share my feelings with him. I've tried. They just on't come out It's not because of him, I think I would be the same with anybody. I am the same with other members of my family even my children. (I have been practising on them a little lately though!! )
Quote: Betsey I can't see why explaining to him how I feel isn't working.
Let's go back to what you said in your previous post:
Quote: I was planning to talk to him about what he is doing at the moment. Explain to him just how his behaviour is effecting my moods.
I'm afraid that this is a case of classic projection. You're holding him responsible for how you feel. It's up to you to communicate how you feel, not point out how his behaviors are holding you hostage.
You actually started heading here in today's post:
Quote: If he said to me every time you do XYZ I feel vulnerable and scared I would stop doing XYZ. I would appreciate your enlightenment.
Let's reframe a bit, okay? I hear you saying that you want to tell him you feel vulnerable and scared, right? The real issue here is how you're feeling--NOT what he's doing. His behaviors can't force you to feel something, Pink. Feelings are all about you and an inside job. Therefore, it's up to you to communicate how you feel... not point out his behaviors.
If he's really concerned, he's going to give you the opportunity to tell him why you feel this way. Again, I would highly discourage you from attacking his behavior.
For example...
Let's say that you're feeling vulnerable and scared because he isn't kissing you and greeting you the moment he walks through the door. I'm not going to make a judgment call on the behavior, Pink. But let's say that you wonder if his lack of attention and affection means he's thinking of calling it quits.
See this horrible progression, based on negative assumptions from one small action?
Let's also say that he's preoccupied. He's had a hideous day and he is actually looking forward to seeing you and the kids. As he's on his way home, he's trying to process what happened and he's still not finished putting it away and just spaces out the moment he walks through the door.
You launch into a verbal attack, holding him responsible for your wayward thoughts and negative feelings.
Is this fair?
The honest thing to do would be to say, "Honey, did you have a bad day?"
He might grumble and say yes and then you can say, "I was worried there... I'm used to seeing you smile and get a kiss, so I was a little scared for a moment."
Pink, can you see the difference between owning your feelings and projection? Does this make sense?
Got an order to ship, so I'm off for a bit. Be back...
Betsey
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
Thanks for your reply Betsey. Hope you got to the post office in time
OK, I get what you are saying. I agree. I did actually have a bit of a lightbulb moment today when i thought to myself..instead of saying. I hate it when you go to the pub on your way to see the boys etc etc nag nag nag..I could say when he does come over early, something like I really appreciate it when you come here early as it means I can get on and do my jobs and we can all spend time together. I will try to work on that. hard to break the habits of a lifetime though
I do like your thoughts on expressing how I am feeling. I must do that more. I did tell H a while back that I do feel anxious about the R at times and thats what makes me shut down and I promised I would tell him when I felt like that. As you would say, I've not been very honset with him about my feelings. I need to be. He's not a person who would laugh or scoff at me. There's no reason I can't be honest with him. I guess my difficulty comes from my upbringing. I don't remember anyone kissing, hugging or saying ILY when I was a child.
Anyway, I am feeling good about things at the moment. He has taken the boys out for a couple of hours to do boy stuff... They'll be back expecting Pizza's soon so I had better get on with things.
Thankyou for checking in on me Betsey, it means a lot. Take care, Pink.
Boys had a good time last night (all three of them) we all ate together and then snuggled up on the sofa chatting. It's weird even when we were dating I don't think I enjoyed sitting close to him just chatting as much as I do now..? maturity setting in maybe?
He was reluctant to leave. kept saying he'd like to stay and cuddle all night But I just can't sleep properly when he is here all night nd I have a long drive to go on today; didn't want to be tired!! So he went. He seems really happy,it's good to see.
He is coming round for the boys today. I said come at 1pm...he said he could make it for 11! keen or what so he is coming over to have the boys for the day whilst I go out.
This is a man who doesn't even own or know how to use a vacume LOL 
So I'm not sure what is going on. All I know is that this last week has seemed like a major rollar coaster ride and I don't like it. I do suffer from depression from time to time. I do a good job of controlling it with diet and exercise, PMA whever possible and avoiding stress so as you can immagine this past week has worried me. If he is testing me, playing games I can do without it...
Betsey 
It's not because of him, I think I would be the same with anybody. I am the same with other members of my family even my children. (I have been practising on them a little lately though!! 