Oh WCW, I didnt mean to bring out the tears in you! A big huggg to you. I know those memories are hard to work through and it's frustrating to not know what's next.
And he'll flat out say no to a backrub or massage. He WANTS to keep his walls up. In all that long rambling post.. this is one of the things I wanted to communicate to you. I WANT my walls up to, but that doesnt mean they can't be broken down, or that a dent isnt made when H trys consistently. See, when he first reaches out, I wonder why is he doing this? Then he reaches out again, and I wonder, why is he doing this.. what is HE going to get out of it. I chew on that for awhile. Then he stops and I say, well see, that passed, it wasnt real to begin with. I KNOW how screwed up thinking like that is. But thinking like that keeps the wall up and I NEED that wall right now. I need that wall because I don't know if I take it down if H will continue to want to be close to me, or if he'll say whhhewww.. mission accomplished, things can go back to normal (which is what usually happens!). And here I'd be vulnerable wanting to continue to be close but he's retreated again and the cycle of feeling rejected starts all over. It's a very fragile thing.
That's also why I said it would be good to know if he's feeling this way at all. Don't know how you'd find that out unless he'd be willing to share if you asked. If he isnt, then you'd be right.. he shies away because he doesnt want the contact. But if he is, he might be shying away to test if it'll keep coming and you'll keep reaching out consistently until he can trust your intentions and you're not going to give him a lollipop and take it away tomorrow. It's all so very childish isnt it? But after years of miscommunication and hurt feelings, neglect this is the point a R gets to because neither is willing to go out on that limb. I've stood on it so long by myself, it's VERY hard for me to reach out to H right now and even harder to believe that he's willing to reach for me long enough to show me I can always depend on him being there reaching when we stray too far away from each other.
I hope you're feeling better... you sound weary. Maybe it's time for a little WCW break to have some fun and relaxation!
