Oh my. I keep rereading your post about rejection....and the rest. It brings so many memories and thoughts of how similiar or exactly the same I and H feel that you do. A lot of unpleasant memories, but good ones too. My H does say that he felt rejected, which led him to feel not good enough. And of course, I felt the same way. This is pretty embarassing, but he's told me the number of sexual he's had before me, astounding! That was before we were ever sexually involved, so I already had a feeling of not measuring up before we ever got started. I also know he felt rejected by his XW physically, and I thought - wow, I'll never do that. Besides, he is good, and I so enjoyed our sexual relationship. But, I always wondered if he compared me to the rest, if I measured up. Our frequency and quality was good for many years. Then we got so busy and worked hard, and got so tired, we just fell into bed. It was almost like we had to plan a time for sex. And yes, there were the nights that H wanted to start something and I rolled away from him, but it happened the other way too. I would initiate and he slept. When he's mad and upset he just knows our sex life was always bad. When he's rational he knows the reasons, and he admits that he rejected me too. But the problem remains, how do I get thru this time without his help? He's gotten pretty smart to incidental contact, shys away. And he'll flat out say no to a backrub or massage. He WANTS to keep his walls up. I'm getting frustrated just writing about it. I feel so helpless to work thru all this baggage. I don't understand why he wont' talk to me, why he seems to hate me so much when we are alone. I gotta quit for now, I'm starting to cry and don't want him to see me crying. But thanks for your most detailed thoughts for me. I really appreciate your time and honesty.
Live your life while you are still living. Riding the trail less traveled.
