Yes, I've hit my limit, but you're right, I can't do anything about it at all. I'm still not feeling very stressed about H's work situation this morning, and that's good! He thanked me last night for being sweet and supportive of him yesterday. I guess I have changed through all of this? Sometimes it's hard to see any progress in myself when I'm feeling so negative. When he thanked me I realized that I've dropped the rope alot with him over the last months. I didnt have any suggestions for how to fix his work probs and I didnt tell him how I wouldve handled it. I asked him some questions about the situation and told him I know he must be frustrated and worried right now. I'm letting him handle it without the extra stress of worrying about me.
I used to feel a sense of panic when H was getting out of control, but I'm not feeling that. So maybe through all of the negatives over the last months, some positives have happened. I'm taking H's power away to control my life by what he does so much. By dropping the rope with him, it looks like I'm focusing more on getting my duckies in a row and he can squeak them a little, but they're still marching along! And he seems more relaxed about being in control of his life too. Like yesterday, he called and asked my opinion, but he expressed what he wanted to do to me too. Thats a new thing for him to explain and share what he's thinking. I think if I had said "absolutely not!" about him quitting his job it would have made him feel powerless. In the past (and it's happened with his job many time.. too much really) he wouldve just done what he wanted to do. Hid it, lied about it and then told me when it was inevitable that I'd find out. Once when he quit a job he got up and dressed for work, left the house as usual for a week before he told me. And when he lost his job a year and a half ago, he didnt tell me for a week and we went on vacation with that hanging over his shoulders. There's definately progress with him sharing important things with me.
I've also realized that he isnt lying anymore. I havent snooped or checked up on him, but as far as I know, he's been up front and honest about what he's doing. This change started when we split our finances. Besides the tax misunderstanding, things seem to be going well for him financially. He's said he isnt managing his money well, but he's trying to get better at it. And, rather than having him ask for help when he's running short I've been trying to help without him knowing I'm helping. Things like filling the van up with gas if I drive it because it's so expensive for him to drive to work. Or I'll give him some money and tell him it's to cover anything extra he's had to spend on the household expenses.
It's hard to see positives right now, but I'm trying to see them. H poured his heart out to me again last night. It still left me confused and afraid of getting back into our R. When I told him that, he said I don't have to get back into it and he doesnt expect me too. He wants me to live my life and be happy and do whatever that means for me. He went on for quite awhile about how he feels about me. I told him that we've been here before and this is where it took us and I'd be insane to go down that road with him again. That I can't have my life fall apart every few years, and it seems like every time we have a major life event that we need to support each other through, he checks out. The birth of our children.. every one except S2 was followed by a separation. S19 going off to college, H changing jobs..just any changes like that and he comes unwound. He said again that he knows how he feels about me and is working to change so he can take care of me and we can be there for each other through anything. I mentioned how things were after we reconciled and he said "we didnt fix things the right way. I carried too much stuff forward that we agreed would be left in the past. We said we had a clean slate, but that didnt fix the problems" This is something I've said to him many times in the past. So, it sounds like he's thinking more clearly about working on things. He acts so much more focused when he's taking his meds regularly. Thinking about it.. I realize that I didnt point out what needs to change.. what he'd have to change, what we'd need to do.. I didnt launch into fix it mode and he was the one saying what he thinks we need to do.
He asked me again about counseling. He said he'd like me to go even if I won't go with him and he'll even set it up for me. He said even if we aren't together he'd like to have counseling together at some point to work through our differences. That he can see my pain and anger and is afraid I'll carry it with me. It's eerily similar to what I told him last may before he started getting treated for his depression. It might be a big part of the reason he's getting his act together. Maybe he sees me withdrawing emotionally for him and remembers how he felt. I don't know if I should say anything to reassure him that I'm not withdrawing from life into depression, I've just withdrawn from him. I don't know what he's seeing from his point of view, but maybe it's scary to see a person who's always shared everything not want to share much of anything at all now. He said he doesnt know what I'm thinking or feeling anymore.. and I thought that was interesting because that's how I've felt about him for a long time.
Anyway, sorry for the ramble. I just wanted to make note of the positives because it does help to see that he's changing and that will make things better even if I can't find my way back to trying again.
