Hi WCW I'm here on the BB almost every day whether I'm making progress or not!
I'm still here in limbo-land with my heels dug in. I've actually been thinking about you and your sitch a little and projecting. Didnt you say that your H has mentioned a couple of times that he felt rejected? I'm dealing with HUGE rejection issues with H right now. I don't think from what you've shared that you've rejected your H in any way near the way I feel rejected. And I think I might be dealing with that rejection similar to how your H is. Just clamming up and being stubborn when my H now tries to show me affection.
For most of our M, I have been HD and H has been LD. There was a period of a year where he hardly touched me at all. I later found out he was having a PA. It wasnt a constant love affair, but was a lot of flirting and they had sex a few times over the course of a year. He's admitted that he didnt desire me during that time, and even if he did, he felt guilty so he pushed me away. After that, I was demanding with him. I needed to feel wanted and loved so I pushed the issue. He resisted and it became a sort of power struggle. I wanted to ML to prove to myself that he wanted me and he didnt because it was too much pressure. Then we just kind of settled into a routine of only ML when he wanted it, and me feeling like he didnt desire me very much and only wanted me to satisfy his physical urges.. that it didnt have much to do with ME as much as it had to do with his need.
The truth probably lies somewhere in between what he was thinking and what I was thinking. He didnt feel like he satisfied me, so he might have felt a certain amount of rejection on his part too.. and anxiety that he wasnt enough for me. See how that works.. no communication so we each live out our stories and it slowly erodes the R.
FF to this year. I finally felt desirable and loved. Then H sunk into his D. We weren't ML or affectionate enough for me, but I came to accept it because I was happy with our R otherwise and knew H loved me even if he didnt show it physically the way I would have liked him too. And, it also kept me from approaching him with my needs. He might have been happy to try harder, but I'll never know because I didnt want to face that rejection if he didnt. In the spring when he had his one night stand and fling w/OW, all the rejection of the last 18 years bubbled up in me. When he moved back home I started that cycle of wanting to prove his desire by initiating ML more. It worked for awhile.. he wanted it too. It didnt accomplish my goal because as we well know, you can't heal that hurt in a few months with lots of sex! Then he started having ED probs from his meds.. maybe.. or from guilt.. or from his depression, not sure. Maybe he doesnt feel like being close to me because I'm so angry with him? Whatever the reason, our physical R has fallen apart again. Not just the ML, but the affection. I've pretty much knocked myself out to be desirable to him with not much luck in attracting him back to me physically. The Dr. asked him two months ago if he loves me and wants to spend the rest of his life with me.. if he's sure. H said yes. His psych also asked him that question. I found it ironic, because I also question that because his actions don't support that he does. Anyway, the advice he was given was to start reaching out to me and being close. To try to meet my needs for affection in other ways or I'd withdraw myself. He didnt take that advice. We still werent touching, and at this point, I stopped trying too.
We come to the last week where once again I asked H to sleep upstairs. Being close to him, but not being close to him is hard for me. I hate lying in the bed next to sH and not touching him, not being held. When I'd close my eyes at night I had the sensation that we were miles apart.. weird. I didnt try to initiate anything with him on a daily basis during those two months or build back that closeness, so I don't know if he would've responded to that. I was waiting on him to follow Dr's orders and make his actions meet his words.
After I asked him to move upstairs he decided he needed to change because I have withdrawn. Not just physically, but emotionally too. I don't talk to him about personal things very much and the distance between us sounds a little like the distance between you and your H. Now my H is starting to reach out to me timidly. I've thought.. maybe like you do? A request for a hug here and there. Coming into the room and sitting next to me. He'll reach out and touch my shoulder and I know he's waiting to see how I respond. The last few nights he's been sleeping with me because our S19 is home in the bedroom upstairs. The first night we just went to sleep. The second night he asked me for a hug and I said sure. He hugged me close for awhile and I felt uncomfortable, but I liked it. I could just feel that wall go up. I was thinking.. why is he doing this now? I've need this for so long and have been hurting. I asked him to do this two months ago and he ignored me.. he didnt care. Now he feels like he's losing me and he wants to try when I've been pushed so far away I don't know if I'll ever get back. So, I resented that he wants to try now. He kissed me on the shoulder, told me I felt good, told me he misses holding me, and still I didnt say a word. I wonder on his side how that was? What he thought I was thinking.. if he felt rejected like you feel by your H. He asked if we could do more and I said no. When he asked that, I completely shut down and moved away from him. I'll be honest here. I wanted to do more.
I've been thinking about why I've been stubborn and won't respond to H when he reaches out to me. Stubborness and pride is one. If I give in, will he go back to rejecting me and not trying again? Punishment is another (yes, I know that's not a pretty thing). I'm angry and I know it hurts him when I push him away too. When I'm angry, it doesnt bother me that I've hurt him like that.. afterall, he's been doing that to me. I feel terribly guilty about that because it's just wrong to treat him that way. But here again, pride. I don't want him to "win". When we first reconciled he used to say "hey, we're on the same team here" It made me realize that to make it work we have to be on the same team, always FOR each other. I'm not for him right now.. I'm all for me and protecting myself at the moment. Another reason I'm withdrawing is because I honestly don't know where I stand with him. The feelings of love and tenderness.. caring and compassion are buried under this load of rejection, anger and resentment I havent worked through. Because he's not been trying to help build me up and I've been desperately needing his reassurances and not getting them, I've held onto that anger, etc as a form of protection to keep me from being vulnerable with him. When I was intimate and vulnerable with him over the summer, I feel like he threw it in my face by rejecting that part of me again. So not knowing if I want to continue the R with him, it doesnt make sense for me to respond to his efforts to be close right now. Fear... fear of getting back in and ending up here again. Fear of him rejecting me again. Fear of him not trying once he has my affections again. Fear that he really doesnt want to be close to me, but is using that to keep me in the R so he doesnt have to face being alone.
I don't know what your H is feeling, or even if that rejection is a big prob between you. I guess I'm just saying that maybe in there somewhere is a person who really wants to be close to you and wants you to keep plugging away until he does feel desired enough to open up again. You havent done the things my H has done to destroy the trust as much... so maybe just reaching out consistently and often would be a good thing to do for you. Verbally expressing that you want to be close to him and miss him. I dont know, it's just an idea and as I said I'm projecting here. Although my H doesnt know it, it does register when he reaches out. It might be too late for him to reach my love bank in that way, but maybe it's not too late for you. It would take not scurrying away when you feel rejected though, and I know that's HARD to do. Just the fact that your H isnt moving out, and is saying nothing.. like he isnt saying he doesnt want you, etc, may mean his silence is just a stubborn wall that needs to be broken down by turning that rejection into acceptance again.
I wish there was a way to find out if your H is doing the same things I've done. It would be alot less risky to know that it's just a matter of time and reaching out to overcome those feelings of rejection, wouldnt it?
I'm here on the BB almost every day whether I'm making progress or not! 
