You don't have to make an instant decision to take down walls or jump into saving the M again. In fact, it seems much wiser not to. I would like to think that the walls will crumble slowly. Your actions will change almost imperceptably and one day you will realize things have gotten much better. Now why didnt I realize this? Pretty smart! Maybe it's because I'm such a pushover it takes effort to keep the wall up at all. I've allowed myself to remain so close to H emotionally through all the crap that I have to work on the boundaries and making my responses appropriate for what's being given. I usually will sell the farm for a penny!

Give him the space and time he is giving you. The space and time to do the things he says he will and to try like he says he wants to. You don't have to decide yet. You sure as heck can give yourself a break from worrying about it though. Thanks for pointing this out too. I really don't have a choice but to give it time and space. Maybe I'll be able to observe the two steps forward one step back and get used to him trying and succeeding and trying and failing sometimes, but overall be able to accept that it's hard to change and doesnt happen overnight. Maybe I'll understand him if I sit back and start trying to instead of assuming I've got him all figured out. Whether we're together or not, it won't hurt that's for sure!

let him show sincerity too. hmmm.. again, I've never looked at it this way. I'm going to have to think about this. I wonder how much H struggles because of my assumptions. I wonder how much protection I'm giving myself by those assumptions too. IAW, if I don't look at it with a beginner's mind, I won't see something that scares the h*ll out of me.. like him changing and me having to readjust what I know and can deal with.

Seems to me you worked some wonders the other night by refusing to tell him why you were crying. Seems to me, he thought about it and figured it out himself and tried to do something about it. He responds well to space doesnt he? The more he has to work at it the more he does. I guess I'd stop working if someone sent the check without me doing anything too I've observed this over and over.. the less I do, the more he does.

Thanks Al. I certainly have some food for thought and a direction for the moment!

Sheila