H has done and said some things in the last two days that make me think he reads this thread. I don't think he has from home. He did once a long time ago and I don't mind if he does. I havent hidden the website. I just dont know when he wouldve because he gets almost no computer time at work unless he's in the training room a couple hours a week. We've discussed the need for counseling and he brought that up last night without me mentioning it.
Things have been OK. He's been very pleasant and giving me space. The last few days though he's been reaching out more. Just a little, maybe testing the waters. Very little WOA or physical contact, until last night and today he made an effort. I don't know what to do or how to respond.
Big problem for me turned into a small conflict with H yesterday. He handled it as if he's DBing. I called him yesterday afternoon when he left work. I havent called him in over a week I think and he asked if I called just to chat. I said yeah, and he said "that's sweet!" Positive reinforcement at it's best. I don't mean that sarcastically. We talked about the kids for a minute and he said he was on his way to the bank. So he was handling the finances the way we agreed, which is a positive. I asked him if he was also depositing his half of our property taxes that I paid. We had agreed that I'd carry the biggest part of the Christmas expenses, but that we'd split the taxes. It's not that big of an amount. Since we've agreed, I've asked him if this is going to be a problem, and if it was, to let me know so I dont have any financial surprises. I asked on Sat and he said it wasnt a problem. Yesterday when I asked, he said he wasnt going to be able to deposit his half. I was ticked. Not because of the money, but because he waited until yesterday to say that he wasnt going to do it and after sending the payment, it was a surprise. I asked him to let me know in advance so I could plan to cover the whole amount (I did anyway). I just resent that he assumes he can wait and tell me last minute like that! It's again, a matter of respect. We talked about it for awhile. He was very apologetic and told me he has a "plan" for giving me his half. I didnt tell him it's not about the money, but about the way he handled it. I didnt see a point to that. I did take note that at least it was on his radar and he hadnt planned to not pay his half at all like he might have in the past. But once again, we agreed to something, the circumstances changed on his end and he didnt feel a need to let me know that until it was unavoidable. After discussing that he started saying he wants to work this out and he's doing XYZ so much better than he was before. He realizes that I've had the biggest part of the burden and that has to change and he needs to be as responsible for our family as I am, etc. He said he's trying, he loves me and he knows he's not going about it how I would, or as fast as I'd like but he does see what I'm saying and will get there if I'm patient. He also said if we need to live separately and that's what I want he'll support that.. whatever it is I decide he'll do.
When I got home he had dinner ready. It was nice. I had laid stuff out to make S19's favorite dinner, but H didnt know that, so I didnt mention it either. I thanked him and made sure the kids told him they appreciated it too.
H sat by me at one point and said "if I get us another MC, would you go with me?" It blindsided me. I didnt know what to say and I teared up. He said, you dont have to answer, you don't have to say you will, I'm just telling you that I'll get one and we can go again. I want to work this out.
Later after the boys were in bed, I was relaxing, helping D11 on a project for church where she makes a game for the group to play and learn facts about how we know the bible is true. Talking to S19 about a project of his. He has a new digital camera on the way and bought some little army men. He wants to make an animated, frame by frame movie using them. Wish I knew the technical term! We've always been each other's creative encouragement and it's one of the things we most enjoy.. bouncing ideas off of each other. He was showing me the men and we were talking about what their character might be like and what the plot of the movie could be etc. Anyway, I was engrossed in the kids..hehe. H was on his way to bed and he came over and said goodnight. He leaned over and kissed me on the head and said "I'm sorry I brought that up earlier. It wasnt fair. Just enjoy the kids right now, but I meant what I said. I love you and I want to save our M. If you don't want to, or can't I understand. I don't want to hurt you anymore. I know I havent given you what you need or tried hard enough and it might be too late. I just want you to know that I do care and am still trying"
It made me cry a little again and I still didnt know what to say. I dont even know how I'd take down the walls I've built and feel comfortable with it. A part of me wants to get in there again, but another part doesnt want to give up the progress I've made with myself in accepting that our M is over. I also am afraid that I'd just be getting his hopes up if I say I'll try again and then decide later that it was the wrong decision.
I'm stumped and confused. H says and yeah, saying isnt doing that he'll do what I want and then I don't jump on the opportunity. I did say before that I'd have to see him working individually through his issues before I'd be willing to go to MC again. I can see that he's working through some of them on his own without C. I don't know. If he was serious, wouldnt he pick up the material from MC and start studying it and working through that? Wouldnt I be seeing him get information, advice, from somewhere? A R book, his bible studies? Not sure.
Today has been about the same. He hasnt mentioned counseling again. I came home from work and had decided not to go to church. There's some conflict going on with our youth minister that I didnt want to deal with and H was going to talk to our pastor. Very heated subject at church and rather than have to comment on it, I stayed home. That's a 180 for me! He didnt mind that I wasnt going. The boys were wild and he didnt seem stressed much about it. As they left he stayed in the house and asked me for a hug. The first in over a week. He hugged me and kissed me on the shoulder and left. He called a minute ago to tell me how things worked out at church (glad I didnt go!), and seemed to be in a good mood.
I just wish I knew if his mood changes are from trying or from his medication. Yeah, it does matter to me. Maybe it's a combination of both? I can't seem to understand how much of what he does/doesnt do is a result of his depression and might get better if he keeps up treatment, or how much is just who he is or a result of our R. If that makes sense!
