Hi VJ!

OK, I've thought and rested my brain. I understand so much of what you posted myself. I don't know how H would say as far as how much of himself he's held back from the R. He stuffs his feelings so much, I've always felt he's had one foot in and one foot out in that way. As far as committment, I dont know? He's always seemed committed to our R as far as not leaving it until last spring. Intimacy is a hard thing for him to begin with.

I can say though from his first PA that I held back a lot and didnt become fully invested in us. When we reconciled after the divorce, I jumped back in with both feet and surprisingly, didnt feel that holding back or pulling away. I used to say we were totally fixed.. and I was amazed by that. I felt closer to him than I ever had and more secure in our future. Maybe we've been going back and forth with that for years and neither of us have been totally "in" at the same time.

felt he never quite reached me again after our first EA. His fault or mine? Who knows? Sure there is more he could have done, but he didn't realize it needed done. And by holding a piece of my heart back, I was destroying exactly what I thought I was trying to save.
He felt the effects of having broken that sacred bond. I understand this. When H had his first PA, I felt so much like the bond was broken between us and we'd never recover. We didnt.. for 7 or 8 years, we didnt have that bond again and I always felt like OW was between us. When we reconciled though, we had it on my part. If he felt I broke that bond by moving on after we D, then we were going to end up here again no matter what we did because that has to be dealt with and healed.

I feel like that bond has been broken again this time. I've talked to my mother at length about this and she doesnt think I'll ever have that with H again. She said she doesn't think I can ever be comfortable with him like that because one time during the first few years of marriage is one thing, but here again when it looked like we'd put that behind us might just be the last straw. I've went back and forth. I'm afraid I'd like to have that with him again, but wouldnt be able to no matter how much either of us tried.

It helps Maybe I'll ask him how he's felt about this someday if we ever communicate on that level again. Thanks VJ!

Sheila