Shelia, I waited with baited breath to hear your response, LOL. I am beginning to think I want to work out my marriage, dead and gone though it is, through you. I at least hope I can elaborate some more....
First, for me... no I wasn't. By the time I had the DB book, she was gone. The best I did was hold off on the pleading and begging, not very helpful it turned out. Much too late. But the idea that things were laid out for your H was exactly one of the things I thought about and deliberatly left out hoping you would bring it up.
Let me explain. I loved my wife and she DID come to me and lay out to me what she thought the problem was and what I wasn't doing. Thing is, it was not black and white for me nor did I understand what to do (and maybe I still don't). I promised my ass off too though. I did certain things right away and then let them slide too. Things were not spelled out as much as yours. We had not the benefit of professional C's or clergy or anyone but the two of us, but there it is. I didn't KNOW what to do, and when I had a concrete suggestions I ran it into the ground till it was no longer fruitful thing, more of a going through the motions "act".
Your H does sound a bit like me (Lord help us both). Maybe I can see myself there and try to help. I would say his check writing/lying thing almost sounds like a mental illness - in the sense of a problem like alcoholism or gambling addiction. It is something that needs the same kind of approach anyway. Saying "just quit doing it" is not the right one (not that I am accusing of anyhting, you know that. If I had a wife that cared and tried as hard as you, I would cut off my arm if it would help. No BLAME for Shelia) I am not a professional, and I don't KNOW how that sort of thing is supposed to be handled, but it seems as though if something from an addiction treatment program was borrowed, it would help.
About the rest, the appointments to make, the "homework" to do, the job to find - I wonder, is H bad about things like that in general? If he has a call to make, some work to finish by a certain time, some errand to run, does he put them off and neglect them? Does he often let the deadline go by, doing nothing? Is this the way he is in gemeral or only with these very specific things?
I am guessing it is the way he is in general although it may not be obvious sometimes. I guess this because I am exactly like that. I may even be worse. I don't KNOW why. I don't even know what makes me quit being like that some times, but I do know it almost seems to not matter at all how important the thing is. I kid myself and make myself feel fine about it by telling myself I am a rebel that hates rules and "have to's" and that is partially true. I make myself feel better by telling myself how responsible I am in some things and how hard I work and that's partially true too. Hoever, it doesn't excuse me. Just wanted you to see that some people are like that. I wish I knew more about why. I may have to investigate it sometime.
If he is NOT like that and these things seem to be the only things that he is not following through on, then I almost suspect that he is unconsciously trying to sabotage the process. Why? My best guess would be resentment. He may not even realize that he has it. He may realize it a little but pushes it down.
Forgive me if I am remembering wrong, but didn't you split up at one point (even divorced?) and then reunited. Is that right? Seems like it was you that initiated that the first time? If I am remembering this right, I would say that maybe even though he "owned" the reasons for the break down and even though he did terrible things (like the A), he never worked through the resentment towards you. It may be down there somewhere, bubbling up and messing things up. Just speculating.
I will say this. I see from my little half obscured view, a man who loves you and a marriage you CAN heal. I am rooting for you even if I don't come by very often.
