Wow.. thanks for this post! I'd say you have my H down to a T. And I can see why you'd say we remind you of you and your XW. You hit the nail on most of our interactions. And you hit the nail on why this makes me so sad too. We love each other and care about each other. I've doubted how much H cares through this, but I know he does. You can't have the history we do and stick with it this long unless both of us care. And yeah, we can still be close. No doubt if this doesnt work, we'll still always be close as friends and parents.
I think maybe where it differs from your sitch (correct me if I'm wrong) is that H has had it all laid out on the table for him. I didnt expect him to magically start doing the things I need, or do it over night. There was a plan involved from the day he moved back in. Me, H, our Dr., our MC, his psych all agreed on the way to put this back together. Intially it was - look for a job away from OW, make sure everyone knew the R was over (meaning he had to end it in person, with a letter, etc showing his re-committment to our M. Reasoning behind this was spiritual, and because he came home and lied about still being in contact with her for awhile, and moved out when I asked him to end it the second time), stick with counseling for 12 weeks, be open and honest and stop writing bad checks.
This all didnt have to be done over night. He went to see his psych and was doing great with the meds. We started MC. He wasnt opening up, so me and the C carried our sessions and basically all H had to do was study the material and show on paper that he'd worked through it in some way between sessions. The MC asked for 12 weeks of steady effort from both of us and said we'd be able to see progress by then if we worked at the exercises we were given. He also had a bible study that he was supposed to do on his own.
The MC had a communication tool we were supposed to use at least once a week to deal with our issues. And we had specific study we were supposed to discuss what it means in terms of our M, but not necessarily hash out the probs. 8 weeks in, it became apparent that H wasn't willing to do any of it consistently. He didnt make time for the discussions, his study, or even do the writing exercises. I did all mine. So the counselor focused on what I had to communicate and we worked on my for a bit. Then I started to resent that my dirty laundry was getting all the attention and asked H for more input. Let me tell you, I was getting hammered weekly because I was still angry about his A (it turned into a how's Sheila going to get over being angry and just let it go party) and H was sitting in the sessions not confronting anything he did to contribute to our problems. Finally on the last session, the MC said he didnt really see a reason for us to continue if the material wasnt being worked or applied to our R. I agreed, so we stopped. A week later I approached the MC and asked if he'd be willing to work with H alone. He said he thought that was a good idea, and H said he thought so too. That way he'd get comfortable at his own pace and I'd be reassured I wasnt the only one making an effort. The MC point blank told H that he'd bet I'd do my part if he'd even try a little. H was supposed to get with the C and set up a time for individual counseling. He didnt even call or email the MC for a month I think. He finally did and then didnt answer the MC email at all until a couple of weeks ago. During the weeks of no contact, the MC told me to let it go and not say or do anything, that H was going to have to decide to try or it will never work.
The job search. He didnt put out the first resume for three months I think it was. Then he did a little.. now he's looking consistently. If I told you all I personally went through to encourage him to carry out what the MC said he needed to do, you'd call me a fool. At one point I needed the closure, now I don't and am just left knowing he couldnt/wouldnt do that for us. You know the pain I went through knowing they saw each other every day and not being quite sure it was over. But still, I was willing to work this out if he'd start doing "something" we agreed on and follow it through.
So now we're left with H needs to be getting treated for his depression (meds and Ic), be open and honest and stop writing checks. He wrote some on my account for awhile and told many lies. He's pretty much stopped that as far as I can tell. Not much open and honest communciation though. He stops taking his meds sometimes and we have to deal with that roller coaster. I have no idea when he's going to see his psych again. To top it off.. he's having ED probs and is supposed to be seeing our family Dr about that and hasnt seen him in over a month I think and I don't know if he's planning on going back or not.
So other than just say f*ck it.. we'll be OK and continue, I don't know what to do. I feel like he's had every opportunity to go to bat for us. Our friends, our church, our pastor, have all been sooo supportive of us. Our family Dr. has even gone the extra mile to encourage this process.
So I guess what I'm saying is.. what can I do with someone who won't get in there and work with me except to apply some effort when the mood strikes or things get uncomfortable? Hell, I tried to wing it for awhile and do it his way but we still couldnt piece it together because of the destructive patterns in our R.
Al, you're here Dbing your butt off, getting advice, etc. trying to change. If H had done the above, even worked on the 5LL book with me consistently, worked on DR, did our couple's bible study.. just any part of it and did it willingly and committed to it.. I'd have given him the benefit of the doubt. Sure he's acting nicer and he cares, but where does actually applying himself to the process fit in? He can't. I'm not going to say he won't. I'm just saying he cant. And without his part of the effort, we can't get there from here. We tried to get there by just doing it our way and then we faced all the communication and intimacy problems. If I came home tomorrow and he wanted to *do* anything to work on this, I'd have hope. I just don't see that. I see a guy who tries a little and hopes it's enough to get him back to a place where I'm willing to do all the trying and work for us again.
I'll say this might just be too much for someone with depression to deal with. If you knew how compassionate and patient our MC is and how encouraging he was for me to be compassionate and patient, well, MC was probably the best place for H to be as far as having a cheerleader.
The only ray of sunlight in the last weeks has been H saying that he's concentrating on stopping the behavior that hurts me, ie, writing checks and lying to me. That is a good positive step. It's not gone unnoticed by me. But still, we can't make the next step without some counseling.
Anyway... I'm still listening and thinking about your post Al. I'm going to keep it in mind when dealing with H. I can be more encouraging and I'll try. I still can't jump back in there though with something a little more from him.
