"makes sense to a guy way" and not a "reaches out and show Sheila way". So the intent is there, and that's a start OK, this makes perfect sense to me! I'm having a prob with the not a way that reaches out and show's Sheila part!
Yes, good parenting and money management should be normal. But if it hasn't been normal for him in the past, it may take a long time for it to become a habit with him. He IS a good Dad. I have to say that for him. He gets impatient, but with two very active boys, I think that's common. It's the sniping when he's in a nasty mood that bothers me more than the frustration of dealing with the boys when they're being stubborn. And he's not been snipping at anyone the last couple of days and making the atmosphere generally tense. I think that's the meds kicking in and helping him deal with his frustrations.
It's hard to deal with this because he can't see the difference in how he acts when he's stressed and not coping well, or when he's just parenting normally. He sometimes thinks I don't want him to discipline the kids and that's not it. It's just the way he goes about doing it. The difference between disciplining and guiding vs. being critical and harsh with them. S19 sees this too and it's something H is going to have to figure out for himself because if I say anything it's seen as criticism and me thinking he's a bad father. I don't think that at all. And this brings me back to him not seeing his psych regularly. If he could just commit to getting better, so many of the probs would go away as he works through his issues in C and learns to cope with anger, and stress better. If he'd take his meds regularly, he'd have help coping with his frustration and it wouldnt spill out onto everyone in the house the way it does. I'm learning (slowly) to not take that personally (and get out of his way), but the boys don't understand the difference between Daddy has taken his meds and Daddy hasn't. I've seen the results of this with D11. She's just now understanding that his moods aren't about her when he yells at her for no good reason. He's said some nasty things to her when he's in a mood and their R has suffered for it.
I know it gets tiring to hear "have patience", but it seems you are seeing a lot of desire on his part, now he just has to translate that into the actions you need to see. Patience. Yeah, I need more of that. I have to take the hit on that one for sure. I wish so much that H would deal with his depression and get to a point where we could do counseling together and see if this could work. I've been willing up until the last couple of months. If I could see a committment to wellness, I'd be in there with him in a heartbeat. I don't see that. I know we can't go anywhere without that. Waiting is taking its toll on me mentally and emotionally and I do believe what our Dr. has told H. He's gonna have to pull himself up by his bootstraps and take responsibility for getting better or he's going to drag the whole family into that black hole with him. He's encouraged me to be here for H because he needs his family right now and it wouldnt be a good thing for him to be on his own and coping with that. But he's also said he knows I'm walking a fine line myself here. It's so frustrating! On one hand I'd like to believe it's only a matter of time, but on the other.. after 8 months of this since he moved back in and no firmer committment from H, I think I'd just be in denial to think tommorow will be different. And even with treatment for his depression, I have no idea whether we'd ever work things out between us or not.
I'm going to keep doing what I'm doing and moving forward with my life. Hopefully H will get some help, or at least keep taking his meds regularly. He's functioning well enough to listen and take his Dr's advice and the rest is up to him. I do know rewarding anything other than a committment to getting healthy will only continue this destructive cycle. I've got to deal with my stuff and maybe that will be the best thing I can do for H and the kids. Just be as strong as I can be whatever happens. I've got nothing to lose.. he's here with us until March 1 anyway, so we'll see if he wakes up and gets back into counselling.
Thanks VJ! It does encourage me when others see that H is trying. I'm not wanting to downplay that at all. and I realize I'm at fault for not being as patient as I could be. I'm just so ready to move on from this. I've put my life on hold for over a year and I'm tired. I miss the H I had when things were good and the R that came with that. I miss having a man in my life! And it's frustrating to not see the things happening that would really make a difference for our family and keep it together.
