Is that why he came into the room? OK, now that you've pointed out, I see that. He says he worries about me. And you're right he does care. I don't doubt that a bit, that he cares for me and loves me.
Now to the how will he show that and that he hopes I feel better part. Is it me.. a guy thing.. should I take this as progress towards him really trying? Maybe I'm screwed up. I see that he's acting more reasonable the last few days and I know that it's his way of showing me things can be better probably. He's trying. This is where I'm screwed maybe. To me, being patient with my kids is something I should do as a parent - not for H and he should parent them the right way not just to please me.. it's his job to do that. Reassuring me nicely about the $$ is how that should be handled "normally" not just when he's trying to prove things are better after I've had it up to my neck with him. I mean, I would LOVE on a regular basis if he just asked what is wrong and told me that it's gonna be OK. But that's not how we interact generally. I didn't tell him what was wrong last night so he reassured me. Had I told him what was on my mind, he'd have been defensive. And I promise, I wouldnt have said it in a blaming way and he still would have started defending himself. If I had said "H, I'm sad because things aren't good between us right now", he's have started with the 10 points (things he promises to do to make it better), then he'd have went down why things aren't as bad as I might think they are, then I'd have gotten the entire lecture of how hard he's trying and I dont give him credit for it.
So, the key is that I shouldnt share what's bothering me and he'll be supportive when I'm sad? Is that how this works? We got to this point because he tries to show me he cares in ways that are easy for him.. I do appreciate that effort. But we're in a very broken R that is gonna take MC to fix if it ever got fixed. The way to show me he cares about this is to commit to doing the things that will break these destructive cycles we're in. I mean, I can live with him peacefully the way it's been the last couple of days.. no prob. But I can't live with him in an intimate R and only have what we've had the last couple of days. Having that is going to take professional help and lots of time and effort. He can't do that right now. If I thought this would lead to that kind of effort out of him, I'd probably hang in there. But how can I tell?
It's days like the last two that made me second guess my decision to have him sleep upstairs and to detach to the point we are. I took those things as signs that he was willing to really try to work this out. But when he moved back into the bedroom with me and I started being more loving and affectionate, he stopped acting pleasant and supportive. I have no idea how to get from here to there in our sitch. No way of knowing what the timing should be.. or if any amount of time or space would make a difference. I think the only difference is going to be counseling.. IC and MC and I don't see that committment. should I just keep on doing this, with an open door and see if he ever suggests MC? We went for awhile, but he gave it a half hearted effort at best. He said he'd go on his own but he hasnt. So.. that's what I've been waiting for and the door closes more and more each day when he doesnt pursue that. Surely I shouldnt let him prop it open indefinately by being pleasant and agreeable?
Maybe I need a seasoned Dber to help me out here. What do you think BigAL? anyone?
