I woke up feeling much better today and I think we're all through with the crud. yay!
Last night D11 went to spend the night with a friend, S2 fell asleep (standing up!) and H and I were alone after 8PM for the first time in awhile. We started watching desperate housewives. I still wasnt feeling great and with the quiet in the house, I decided to do some bible study in my room and get to bed early. I told H that I was wiped and going to my room for the night. Started my study and the sadness from the day just settled in and I started crying. H opened the door to tell me good night and noticed my red eyes and asked if I'm OK. I said yeah. He asked what I was crying about, and I told him it's nothing really, but thanks for asking. He pressed a little and I told him that I'd appreciate it if he'd let me have my privacy when I come to my room and close the door. I don't want to lock it because the boys often are up during the night needing something. He said sure, and told me not to worry, everything will be OK. I said, yeah, it will be, and I'm fine.. blah, blah.. good night.
Woke up today determined to start with some new years goals! Called a couple of GFs that I do bible study with to find out if they are ready to start up again. We havent met since the summer to do an actual study, but it's something we all miss and need.
Called S19 to see if he was on his way to practice before the game. He was, and needed to vent about some bus issue with the cheerleaders. Talked about when he'll be home etc. Checked in with D11 to see when she'd be home and looked for the citrus parade on TV. No luck! Only the Rose parade.. grrr. It's a good thing the band makes a DVD of their performances, otherwise I'd have no clue! Yet another reason to become more involved with S19's activities. I've decided to start putting away money for two season tickets to the football games next year, and enough to cover the trip if they make it to a bowl game. I know I can't go to every game, but H could take D11, or S19's GF could use the tickets when we can't.
Talked to my Mom. She's planning on visiting during spring break. She's upset with my brother's visit and had a bad time with his wife. He wants her to come see him in MO this summer, but she said she won't. I asked her if she'd go if we made it a road trip and stopped in St. Louis to see the sights. She said that sounds fun. So another thing to plan and work toward. Summer vacation with Mom to see my brother. I don't know what we'll do during spring break. I think we'll take her to see the Auburn campus and maybe to Atlanta. My Aunt passed away a couple of years ago and her son lives there. I know my mom would like to see him.
Me and the boys went and cleaned the car and grocery shopping. We had the best time and they didnt act up at all. They are such good little helpers when they want to be! I thought while we were out how smoothly things go when H isnt inserting stress into a sitch. Came home and H unloaded the groceries, updated me on the score of the Auburn game (not good friends!), and was chit chatty.
He's in a fabulous mood. Listened to the boys tell him about our trip into town. Helped put away the groceries, was patient with S2 when he found him sitting in the kitchen floor scraping icing off cupcakes and making a mess! Updated me on some news about a friend of ours who works with him. Just basically very pleasant and agreeable. He even asked how I'm feeling. I asked if he had deposited his part of the household money into the account, he said "No" and I asked why? He said the banks were closed. And I said, oh yeah.. I didnt realize that, OK. He said "I'm sorry if I scared you when I said no but I'll do it in the morning" hmmmm... he said it in a very DB way. Not his usual response which would have been a little tyrade assuming I was mad and saying it's not his fault the banks are closed, etc.
So, I'm thinking. Why can't he act this way all the time? When I am very detached from him, we have no physical contact, don't discuss anything other than the kids and idle chit chat, he's sleeping upstairs, then he's pleasant to be around. Or maybe his meds have just kicked back in? I don't know. It's bizarre. Maybe it is the medicine... because yesterday and today he's been nice. He seems pretty content to be room-mates.. so maybe it's just our R that's broken and not having to deal with that takes the stress off his shoulders. It's a shame. I have no doubt if he was back in my bed and we tried to be close again, he'd be hard to get along with. I'd say it is me and maybe I'm acting more pleasant to, but I'm not. I act about the same except I'm a little more sad and stressed now than I normally am. And I haven't pressured him for an R talk or for intimacy in weeks.. so maybe the pressure if off from his point of view entirely and he can breathe again? Anyway, it just sort of confirms that our R is bad for both of us I guess.
Tomorrow is back to work! I've enjoyed the time with my babies, but I'm looking forward to my daily routine again. I've missed working out and am ready to step it up a notch. I didnt gain any weight over the holidays, so maybe I'll be able to take of the last 10-20 lbs without too much effort.
