Finding happiness and satisfaction with yourself is the start to happiness and satisfaction with the rest of your life. This is so true. Thanks for reminding me!
Journalling:
NYE was kind of a bummer because the kids were sick. They feel much better today! S19 called from Universal Studios right at midnight, everyone else was already in bed and it was good to hear his cheerful voice on the phone. H and I didnt even say Happy NY to each other, we just went our separate ways. The way he was acting last night seemed as if he was just wallowing in his depression..very negative and angry acting.
This morning was a different story. I heard the boys up about 8AM and H came downstairs. I dozed for a bit and heard him cooking bfast. Then he came into my room bringing coffee. Said Happy New Years, and "you're right 2006 has to be better than 2005 was" I told him thanks for the coffee and HNY. We ate peacefully, I talked about some things I need to get done around here. He said he could still help me if I wanted. and added that he wasnt going to argue with me, and "I know there are things we.. well, I should have been doing that I havent been" or something like that. We cleaned up from bfast.. H went to look at the washer it's been acting up. I cleaned out the fridge and we all just straightened up for a bit. The he asked the kids if they wanted to go outside for awhile. I wasnt feeling well and laid down. Got up to take some motrin and he was playing baseball with the kids. Was interesting that he was outside at all! This has been one things the Dr. suggested and he hasnt been doing. He hasnt wanted to play much either. Maybe he was thinking about his NY resolution to be a better Dad? We took the kids to ride their bikes for awhile this afternoon. Then I said I promised the boys I'd take them to McDonald's when they felt better. He asked "mind if I come too?" I said "sure, it's OK with me" So took the boys (D11 wanted to stay with her friends) and then we went to WalMart so I could print some pictures for my Mom. Just got home awhile ago.
We had a pleasant day with the kids, we were pretty detached and things weren't tense. I was feeling sad much of the day, but tried to act cheerful. He seems to be able to do what he sets his mind to and he's been great with the kids today. Kind of makes me wonder really why he hasnt chosen to do some things that would've helped our R, but I guess there's no use speculating at this point! He wasnt even stressed and angry like he gets dealing with them at times. And he doesnt seem to be pursuing our R at all, so maybe that's why I've been sad, but things are less tense between us. Maybe we're both letting go and a lot of the anger and resentment will go away as a result.
H shared that baseball sign-ups start this week and that's a positive. He was supposed to sign S5 up for soccer in the fall and blew it off. He also said that D11 wants to play, so he mustve asked her. I'm glad he did and surprised she wants to. Her only NY resolution was to practice tennis, so she's thinking about being more active in other ways too.. something we've been really trying to encourage in her. Other than dance, cheerleading and singing, she hasnt been very interested in other activities. I talked to a friend today and we're going to start taking our girls (she has two) to practice tennis. I need to call about karate lessons tomm for me. I'm determined to at least try it. It's just the getting started that I have a prob with.
So, not a great day, but a better day. Good start to 2006. No arguments or walking on eggshells. I hope that I can work through this sadness I feel and not let it get me down too much. I'm going to have to start hoping for other things in my life now and it's not easy!
