Hi slowly! I read your posts about Feng Shui and found them interesting. I might have to look for that on the net as something to try. And hiring help is a good idea Have thought about it, but never been able to justify spending the money. Maybe it would be worth the expense to get rid of that stress in our life! Thanks for checking in. The R talk did not go well unfortunately.
I've been surfing the BB and reading your thread, some of Sage's and other's who've been sucessful and admire your patience and perserverence. I don't feel I'm there yet with patience, forgiveness and commitment and am not sure I have what it takes to work all of this out. I know most would be so happy with an H who's returned home and wants to work on the R. I feel bad that I'm constantly reaching a point where I just want to give up because the changes don't seem to be building a better R, they just seem to put H in a place where's he's comfortable being complacent about us. The less I say about what needs to change, the more I GAL and act happy, the less he does to meet any of my needs (it seems if Im happy, he thinks he's doing great!). He seems content with a peaceful emotionally and physically distant R with me. The he becomes content and I become unhappy. Maybe I'm not changing and GAL enough to attract him closer to me. Just not sure!
As 2006 approaches I have to wonder what it'll bring. Last year at this time I had no idea our life would take such a turn and 2005 would basically be lost in turmoil. The year is a blur. Jan started out with the death of my step-father and many worries about my mother. Feb brought increasing dishonesty and financial irresponsibility by H. Mar brought me at the end of my rope asking him to move out. Apr brought his PA with OW. May brought him home only to move out again not wanting to end his R with OW and saying he'd lost all of his feelings for me. June brought him home where he's been since. June and July were emotionally intense. H's meds kicked in and he decided he again loved me and wanted to be with me. I was thrilled and we had a brief honeymoon period over the summer, spending a lot of time together and getting closer emotionally and physically. Then we started MC and trying to work together. It became apparent that H still wasnt able to put the pieces together and work on our R consistently. I had a lot of anger and resentment building about his PA/EA and him still working with OW. He was still lying about many things and hiding his spending. By Oct I had decided that I can't do this and H started pursuing. I told him we could try until Jan and he backed off. So now here we are together, but not moving forward working through our issues, communicating or being intimate.
He's back in the bedroom upstairs because I can't deal with being so close to him and feeling so empty. We had a R discussion the other night that ended badly. I refused to argue with him and told him that we were getting no where trying to talk about our problems. He called me a smug b*tch. That brought out the argue in me and it got ugly. I wonder when we argue how much of what he says if the truth of how he feels and how much is just to hurt me. He says I've never wanted this to work and am not being patient, compassionate or trying to get closer to him. I feel like I've been patient. He's slept next to me for two months with virtually no intimacy and I havent pressured him. I've tried to encourage physical contact and he seems to want it, but doesnt pursue it with me. Only a hug or a kiss here and there and ILUs from him unless I ask for more. He did try harder last week, but we both ended up frustrated and feeling rejected.
I think the bottom line for me is still that he can't contribute to a healthy R with me until he gets some of his probs worked out for himself. The only way I can be patient at all with that is if we are physically separated in some way and I have space away from him. I need to heal my pain and he's so insensitive to how I feel about his R with OW at this point that he only makes me feel worse. It's my fault that I havent let it go. I should know he loves me by now. I should know he wants to be close to me and desires me. I should know all of this without him showing me those things. Coming from someone that's continually lied to me in the past about everthing from his feelings to things I've seen and he's denied, I have a hard time trusting that I should *know* anything without him showing me through his actions.
We both have personal issues to get through. I can't help him with his because he sees that as me trying to be controlling. He can't help me with mine because he feels guilty and wants this to just go away.
2006 is going to start with us being separated in every way possible with him still living here. Knowing how life had it's way with me in 2005, I'm not going to let it win in 2006. I'm going to live 2006 differently and for me and my kids. I'm taking detachment to a new level with H and going to try to have a friendship with him. Our M, or R as a couple is over now and unless he becomes someone I'd consider having a R with, it's over forever. I'm no longer going to try to give him a blueprint for success with me or help him with his problems. He knows me well enough to know what I need from my H and if he ever wants an R with me, he'll find a way to show me that he's changing and dealing with his personal issues. In the meantime, I'm going to be dealing with mine. Maybe I'll become a person that he wants to try for, maybe I won't but either way, I won't bring in 2007 without knowing I used 2006 to become a better person independent of my M.
My first goal is to find a measure of happiness for our blessings. I have four wonderful kids that light up my life and I've let the probs with H overshadow that. S19 has been in college for two years and I've missed a lot of that. I've missed ballgames he's marched in and visiting him at school. I havent been a very good Mom to my college boy..not enough care packages, calls, letters or visits. That's going to change in 2006. I miss my boy. S5 has some learning issues that have taken a backseat, and I can't let him just get by anymore. He needs some concentrated effort with his speech, writing and letter. D11 needs me to be available for her in so many ways right now that I havent. She's turning into a social butterfly and I havent supported that enough. She's missed her dance classes and we need to find another voice tutor for her. That's top priority in Jan! S3.. he's doing fine, thank goodness. But I've missed out on things with him too. Not enough time outside romping with the boys and we all need those times to unwind together. I have a mother that I don't get enough time with. Friendships that have went by the wayside in the last 12 months. I havent been attending church or growing closer to my God and that's left me with an space that I need to ask Him to fill again. I have much to keep me company and entertained if I'd focus on those things and give my R with H some space. That's my goal for 2006. To give it space and let it go. If he decides that he needs me in his life, he'll show me by becoming a positive part of the things that make a life. I can't afford to let everything pass me by to focus on him and our R anymore. There are too many people and things that need my attention that I know will bring happiness and personal growth back into my life.
Good luck in 2006 everyone! Let's all make it the best it can be.
Hi Sheila...no great advice tonight, but warm thoughts and best wishes coming your way! Take care and just enjoy the thought of a whole new year, full of possibilities and endless, amazing, wonderful things!
Happy New Year Sheila. I think we all wonder what the new year will bring. Your goals for 2006 sound great, a good way to get on track with your life and do things for your growth and happiness. Finding happiness and satisfaction with yourself is the start to happiness and satisfaction with the rest of your life. Let's do it for ourselves!
Live your life while you are still living. Riding the trail less traveled.
Finding happiness and satisfaction with yourself is the start to happiness and satisfaction with the rest of your life. This is so true. Thanks for reminding me!
Journalling:
NYE was kind of a bummer because the kids were sick. They feel much better today! S19 called from Universal Studios right at midnight, everyone else was already in bed and it was good to hear his cheerful voice on the phone. H and I didnt even say Happy NY to each other, we just went our separate ways. The way he was acting last night seemed as if he was just wallowing in his depression..very negative and angry acting.
This morning was a different story. I heard the boys up about 8AM and H came downstairs. I dozed for a bit and heard him cooking bfast. Then he came into my room bringing coffee. Said Happy New Years, and "you're right 2006 has to be better than 2005 was" I told him thanks for the coffee and HNY. We ate peacefully, I talked about some things I need to get done around here. He said he could still help me if I wanted. and added that he wasnt going to argue with me, and "I know there are things we.. well, I should have been doing that I havent been" or something like that. We cleaned up from bfast.. H went to look at the washer it's been acting up. I cleaned out the fridge and we all just straightened up for a bit. The he asked the kids if they wanted to go outside for awhile. I wasnt feeling well and laid down. Got up to take some motrin and he was playing baseball with the kids. Was interesting that he was outside at all! This has been one things the Dr. suggested and he hasnt been doing. He hasnt wanted to play much either. Maybe he was thinking about his NY resolution to be a better Dad? We took the kids to ride their bikes for awhile this afternoon. Then I said I promised the boys I'd take them to McDonald's when they felt better. He asked "mind if I come too?" I said "sure, it's OK with me" So took the boys (D11 wanted to stay with her friends) and then we went to WalMart so I could print some pictures for my Mom. Just got home awhile ago.
We had a pleasant day with the kids, we were pretty detached and things weren't tense. I was feeling sad much of the day, but tried to act cheerful. He seems to be able to do what he sets his mind to and he's been great with the kids today. Kind of makes me wonder really why he hasnt chosen to do some things that would've helped our R, but I guess there's no use speculating at this point! He wasnt even stressed and angry like he gets dealing with them at times. And he doesnt seem to be pursuing our R at all, so maybe that's why I've been sad, but things are less tense between us. Maybe we're both letting go and a lot of the anger and resentment will go away as a result.
H shared that baseball sign-ups start this week and that's a positive. He was supposed to sign S5 up for soccer in the fall and blew it off. He also said that D11 wants to play, so he mustve asked her. I'm glad he did and surprised she wants to. Her only NY resolution was to practice tennis, so she's thinking about being more active in other ways too.. something we've been really trying to encourage in her. Other than dance, cheerleading and singing, she hasnt been very interested in other activities. I talked to a friend today and we're going to start taking our girls (she has two) to practice tennis. I need to call about karate lessons tomm for me. I'm determined to at least try it. It's just the getting started that I have a prob with.
So, not a great day, but a better day. Good start to 2006. No arguments or walking on eggshells. I hope that I can work through this sadness I feel and not let it get me down too much. I'm going to have to start hoping for other things in my life now and it's not easy!
I woke up feeling much better today and I think we're all through with the crud. yay!
Last night D11 went to spend the night with a friend, S2 fell asleep (standing up!) and H and I were alone after 8PM for the first time in awhile. We started watching desperate housewives. I still wasnt feeling great and with the quiet in the house, I decided to do some bible study in my room and get to bed early. I told H that I was wiped and going to my room for the night. Started my study and the sadness from the day just settled in and I started crying. H opened the door to tell me good night and noticed my red eyes and asked if I'm OK. I said yeah. He asked what I was crying about, and I told him it's nothing really, but thanks for asking. He pressed a little and I told him that I'd appreciate it if he'd let me have my privacy when I come to my room and close the door. I don't want to lock it because the boys often are up during the night needing something. He said sure, and told me not to worry, everything will be OK. I said, yeah, it will be, and I'm fine.. blah, blah.. good night.
Woke up today determined to start with some new years goals! Called a couple of GFs that I do bible study with to find out if they are ready to start up again. We havent met since the summer to do an actual study, but it's something we all miss and need.
Called S19 to see if he was on his way to practice before the game. He was, and needed to vent about some bus issue with the cheerleaders. Talked about when he'll be home etc. Checked in with D11 to see when she'd be home and looked for the citrus parade on TV. No luck! Only the Rose parade.. grrr. It's a good thing the band makes a DVD of their performances, otherwise I'd have no clue! Yet another reason to become more involved with S19's activities. I've decided to start putting away money for two season tickets to the football games next year, and enough to cover the trip if they make it to a bowl game. I know I can't go to every game, but H could take D11, or S19's GF could use the tickets when we can't.
Talked to my Mom. She's planning on visiting during spring break. She's upset with my brother's visit and had a bad time with his wife. He wants her to come see him in MO this summer, but she said she won't. I asked her if she'd go if we made it a road trip and stopped in St. Louis to see the sights. She said that sounds fun. So another thing to plan and work toward. Summer vacation with Mom to see my brother. I don't know what we'll do during spring break. I think we'll take her to see the Auburn campus and maybe to Atlanta. My Aunt passed away a couple of years ago and her son lives there. I know my mom would like to see him.
Me and the boys went and cleaned the car and grocery shopping. We had the best time and they didnt act up at all. They are such good little helpers when they want to be! I thought while we were out how smoothly things go when H isnt inserting stress into a sitch. Came home and H unloaded the groceries, updated me on the score of the Auburn game (not good friends!), and was chit chatty.
He's in a fabulous mood. Listened to the boys tell him about our trip into town. Helped put away the groceries, was patient with S2 when he found him sitting in the kitchen floor scraping icing off cupcakes and making a mess! Updated me on some news about a friend of ours who works with him. Just basically very pleasant and agreeable. He even asked how I'm feeling. I asked if he had deposited his part of the household money into the account, he said "No" and I asked why? He said the banks were closed. And I said, oh yeah.. I didnt realize that, OK. He said "I'm sorry if I scared you when I said no but I'll do it in the morning" hmmmm... he said it in a very DB way. Not his usual response which would have been a little tyrade assuming I was mad and saying it's not his fault the banks are closed, etc.
So, I'm thinking. Why can't he act this way all the time? When I am very detached from him, we have no physical contact, don't discuss anything other than the kids and idle chit chat, he's sleeping upstairs, then he's pleasant to be around. Or maybe his meds have just kicked back in? I don't know. It's bizarre. Maybe it is the medicine... because yesterday and today he's been nice. He seems pretty content to be room-mates.. so maybe it's just our R that's broken and not having to deal with that takes the stress off his shoulders. It's a shame. I have no doubt if he was back in my bed and we tried to be close again, he'd be hard to get along with. I'd say it is me and maybe I'm acting more pleasant to, but I'm not. I act about the same except I'm a little more sad and stressed now than I normally am. And I haven't pressured him for an R talk or for intimacy in weeks.. so maybe the pressure if off from his point of view entirely and he can breathe again? Anyway, it just sort of confirms that our R is bad for both of us I guess.
Tomorrow is back to work! I've enjoyed the time with my babies, but I'm looking forward to my daily routine again. I've missed working out and am ready to step it up a notch. I didnt gain any weight over the holidays, so maybe I'll be able to take of the last 10-20 lbs without too much effort.
H was worried about you when you went to your room early.He came in to see you because he was worried. He felt even worse when he saw you were crying and wouldn't say why. At that point in your story, I thought "Man, he cares about her.I wonder what he will do to show it and hope she'll feel better?"
Question answered. He was patient with the kids. He reassured you about the $$.
I love your plans for 2006. Things sound good for you!
Is that why he came into the room? OK, now that you've pointed out, I see that. He says he worries about me. And you're right he does care. I don't doubt that a bit, that he cares for me and loves me.
Now to the how will he show that and that he hopes I feel better part. Is it me.. a guy thing.. should I take this as progress towards him really trying? Maybe I'm screwed up. I see that he's acting more reasonable the last few days and I know that it's his way of showing me things can be better probably. He's trying. This is where I'm screwed maybe. To me, being patient with my kids is something I should do as a parent - not for H and he should parent them the right way not just to please me.. it's his job to do that. Reassuring me nicely about the $$ is how that should be handled "normally" not just when he's trying to prove things are better after I've had it up to my neck with him. I mean, I would LOVE on a regular basis if he just asked what is wrong and told me that it's gonna be OK. But that's not how we interact generally. I didn't tell him what was wrong last night so he reassured me. Had I told him what was on my mind, he'd have been defensive. And I promise, I wouldnt have said it in a blaming way and he still would have started defending himself. If I had said "H, I'm sad because things aren't good between us right now", he's have started with the 10 points (things he promises to do to make it better), then he'd have went down why things aren't as bad as I might think they are, then I'd have gotten the entire lecture of how hard he's trying and I dont give him credit for it.
So, the key is that I shouldnt share what's bothering me and he'll be supportive when I'm sad? Is that how this works? We got to this point because he tries to show me he cares in ways that are easy for him.. I do appreciate that effort. But we're in a very broken R that is gonna take MC to fix if it ever got fixed. The way to show me he cares about this is to commit to doing the things that will break these destructive cycles we're in. I mean, I can live with him peacefully the way it's been the last couple of days.. no prob. But I can't live with him in an intimate R and only have what we've had the last couple of days. Having that is going to take professional help and lots of time and effort. He can't do that right now. If I thought this would lead to that kind of effort out of him, I'd probably hang in there. But how can I tell?
It's days like the last two that made me second guess my decision to have him sleep upstairs and to detach to the point we are. I took those things as signs that he was willing to really try to work this out. But when he moved back into the bedroom with me and I started being more loving and affectionate, he stopped acting pleasant and supportive. I have no idea how to get from here to there in our sitch. No way of knowing what the timing should be.. or if any amount of time or space would make a difference. I think the only difference is going to be counseling.. IC and MC and I don't see that committment. should I just keep on doing this, with an open door and see if he ever suggests MC? We went for awhile, but he gave it a half hearted effort at best. He said he'd go on his own but he hasnt. So.. that's what I've been waiting for and the door closes more and more each day when he doesnt pursue that. Surely I shouldnt let him prop it open indefinately by being pleasant and agreeable?
Maybe I need a seasoned Dber to help me out here. What do you think BigAL? anyone?
Have thought about it, but never been able to justify spending the money. Maybe it would be worth the expense to get rid of that stress in our life! Thanks for checking in. The R talk did not go well unfortunately.