As 2006 approaches I have to wonder what it'll bring. Last year at this time I had no idea our life would take such a turn and 2005 would basically be lost in turmoil. The year is a blur. Jan started out with the death of my step-father and many worries about my mother. Feb brought increasing dishonesty and financial irresponsibility by H. Mar brought me at the end of my rope asking him to move out. Apr brought his PA with OW. May brought him home only to move out again not wanting to end his R with OW and saying he'd lost all of his feelings for me. June brought him home where he's been since. June and July were emotionally intense. H's meds kicked in and he decided he again loved me and wanted to be with me. I was thrilled and we had a brief honeymoon period over the summer, spending a lot of time together and getting closer emotionally and physically. Then we started MC and trying to work together. It became apparent that H still wasnt able to put the pieces together and work on our R consistently. I had a lot of anger and resentment building about his PA/EA and him still working with OW. He was still lying about many things and hiding his spending. By Oct I had decided that I can't do this and H started pursuing. I told him we could try until Jan and he backed off. So now here we are together, but not moving forward working through our issues, communicating or being intimate.
He's back in the bedroom upstairs because I can't deal with being so close to him and feeling so empty. We had a R discussion the other night that ended badly. I refused to argue with him and told him that we were getting no where trying to talk about our problems. He called me a smug b*tch. That brought out the argue in me and it got ugly. I wonder when we argue how much of what he says if the truth of how he feels and how much is just to hurt me. He says I've never wanted this to work and am not being patient, compassionate or trying to get closer to him. I feel like I've been patient. He's slept next to me for two months with virtually no intimacy and I havent pressured him. I've tried to encourage physical contact and he seems to want it, but doesnt pursue it with me. Only a hug or a kiss here and there and ILUs from him unless I ask for more. He did try harder last week, but we both ended up frustrated and feeling rejected.
I think the bottom line for me is still that he can't contribute to a healthy R with me until he gets some of his probs worked out for himself. The only way I can be patient at all with that is if we are physically separated in some way and I have space away from him. I need to heal my pain and he's so insensitive to how I feel about his R with OW at this point that he only makes me feel worse. It's my fault that I havent let it go. I should know he loves me by now. I should know he wants to be close to me and desires me. I should know all of this without him showing me those things. Coming from someone that's continually lied to me in the past about everthing from his feelings to things I've seen and he's denied, I have a hard time trusting that I should *know* anything without him showing me through his actions.
We both have personal issues to get through. I can't help him with his because he sees that as me trying to be controlling. He can't help me with mine because he feels guilty and wants this to just go away.
2006 is going to start with us being separated in every way possible with him still living here. Knowing how life had it's way with me in 2005, I'm not going to let it win in 2006. I'm going to live 2006 differently and for me and my kids. I'm taking detachment to a new level with H and going to try to have a friendship with him. Our M, or R as a couple is over now and unless he becomes someone I'd consider having a R with, it's over forever. I'm no longer going to try to give him a blueprint for success with me or help him with his problems. He knows me well enough to know what I need from my H and if he ever wants an R with me, he'll find a way to show me that he's changing and dealing with his personal issues. In the meantime, I'm going to be dealing with mine. Maybe I'll become a person that he wants to try for, maybe I won't but either way, I won't bring in 2007 without knowing I used 2006 to become a better person independent of my M.
My first goal is to find a measure of happiness for our blessings. I have four wonderful kids that light up my life and I've let the probs with H overshadow that. S19 has been in college for two years and I've missed a lot of that. I've missed ballgames he's marched in and visiting him at school. I havent been a very good Mom to my college boy..not enough care packages, calls, letters or visits. That's going to change in 2006. I miss my boy. S5 has some learning issues that have taken a backseat, and I can't let him just get by anymore. He needs some concentrated effort with his speech, writing and letter. D11 needs me to be available for her in so many ways right now that I havent. She's turning into a social butterfly and I havent supported that enough. She's missed her dance classes and we need to find another voice tutor for her. That's top priority in Jan! S3.. he's doing fine, thank goodness. But I've missed out on things with him too. Not enough time outside romping with the boys and we all need those times to unwind together. I have a mother that I don't get enough time with. Friendships that have went by the wayside in the last 12 months. I havent been attending church or growing closer to my God and that's left me with an space that I need to ask Him to fill again. I have much to keep me company and entertained if I'd focus on those things and give my R with H some space. That's my goal for 2006. To give it space and let it go. If he decides that he needs me in his life, he'll show me by becoming a positive part of the things that make a life. I can't afford to let everything pass me by to focus on him and our R anymore. There are too many people and things that need my attention that I know will bring happiness and personal growth back into my life.
Good luck in 2006 everyone! Let's all make it the best it can be.
