Yesterday me and the kids took down the Chrismas decorations and got the house back in order. It's a chore that H detests, so I thought I'd just get it over with before he's off Thurs and tries to do it himself. One of his emotional needs is domestic support. He loves it when he comes home to a clean house. I've dropped the rope on that a little because I've felt in the past that he's expected too much in that area and made me feel guilty when things aren't perfectly in order. Dropping the rope, he's started doing more of that himself. Which is good, but it's not one of my emotional needs. He puts his energy to this and then says I don't see that he's trying to take care of me! So I thought, if I pick that back up, maybe he'll direct his efforts to something that is an emotional need. Like Quality Time. He says that all the time we spend maintaining the house and raising the kids is leaving no time for us. He's right, but that's the way it is when you choose to parent 4 children! It's not insurmountable. So, that brings about a couple of goals for me.
1. Pick up taking very good care of the household responsibilities. I used to have it down to a science. If anyone else is having a prob in this area, check out the flylady website. Within a month of following it, I could get all the chores done around here without taking much time away from H and the kids at all. I'd like H to be available to relax with me and the kids in the evening instead of immersing himself doing chores. Maybe he'll start doing his bible studies again or want to work through the exercises the MC gave us. He uses this as an excuse, so if I can get our evening routine down to a science again and the kids in bed on time that will leave a bit of time for us to spend together.
Just a side note. Our family doctor told us that the thing our partner needs from us will often be the hardest thing for us to give. I'm definately seeing that. H needs for our house to be in perfect order. I just need it to be clean. I've always resented that he's held me to such a high standard when I work full time and we have kids. I prefer the house to be clean and think that's good enough.. it's certainly cleaner than most and to put that to a higher level is silly to me. But, this is definately one of his needs.. if I don't do it, he'll take time away from us to do it himself. arggh, it's so hard for me to justify putting extra energy into this. Knowing that, I can kind of see why H struggles with my needs, maybe he thinks putting extra energy into communicating and showing affection is silly because he's satisfied with how we communicate and show affection.
2. Plan some QT for us. It's one of my needs, but it's also one of his. I've thought it isnt because he doesn't "do" anything to make it happen, but him saying "we need some time alone" several times must be because he wants and needs it surely? I guess I need to accept that him wanting to spent QT with me is enough, and maybe over time and with some suggestions I can get him involved in planning it. Again though.. this is part of domestic support maybe because it involves setting up child care so we can get away.
3. Affection: This is a biggie for me. H says he wants to take care of this need, but is tired and doesnt have time alone with me. He also says that I don't approach him for affection. He's right. I rarely do anymore because I'm afraid of being rejected. I'm going to start being more affectionate with him and see what happens. It's difficult because for him ML often follows affection and that's not working for us right now. We talked (and argued) a bit about this last night. He wants to keep trying to ML, but until he finds out what the prob is, I'm uncomfortable going there. It turns into a negative sitch when he can't perform and hurts his feelings and mine. I'd like for us to be affectionate without worrying about ML. And that will be as hard for me as it is for him. Im HD and not ML is frustrating the h*ll out of me right now, but if it can't be a positive thing, then why do it?
H wants to have an R discussion tonight. Every time we talk it ends badly. I'm not blaming him for this because alot of it is me and my attitude. I'm tired of talking and getting nowhere. He says that's because I refuse to admit he's making positive changes and just want to see what's not happening for us right now. That's probably true. I need to approach our discussions from a different perspective maybe. Not as a way to get what I need, but as a way to learn to communicate better with H. I also told him that us talking and me telling him what I need makes him feel like I'm controlling. Maybe I just need to be there and listen and validate what he says and recognize the positives he's making. If we can start communicating again that will help more than anything. He said he wants to talk about where we're going and what we're going to do. Maybe I'll get some insight into what he's thinking and is trying to do.
I need to get my heart back into this process. I've detached to a point where I'm kind of numb about our R. We don't talk or touch much and that leaves me feeling lonely. H can't understand how I feel. He says we're together all the time, how could I be lonely? I miss the connection we used to have. I'm afraid to have that connection again because talking to me and touching me are the first things he stops doing when things get tough. It makes me feel rejected when he isnt there to talk to me or hold me. It's like he'll put a lot of energy into it for awhile and when he sees I'm happy with our R and things are going good, he stops. And to me, I can't see the point in being in a R if you don't talk, spend time alone and touch. His definition of a R is different then mine. If he's working, the kids are happy, the house is running smoothly, then he's doing great. I've always thought he could hire a housekeeper and be the happiest man on earth. That's the way his parents R works, so maybe that's the life he's trying to achieve here. I do know though if I have to go back to busting my butt to keep things in order and we get back into the same cycle of not talking or spending time alone and ML once a month, I'll go nuts. So, I'll try to talk and be open to being affectionate because that's what I need and maybe it'll last.
